Being Human

This weekend was the third instalment of a semi regular event, Blood Bowel Live, which is held in a pub in London.  There's a group of us who play Blood Bowl, predominantly on the Cyanide PC version of the game, and over the years we've all got into the Tabletop version.  Some of us play more than others but through a common bond forged on the PC game we all get together and play the game as it was meant to played.  Originally we met on the Gamesblog pages of the Guardian newspaper website and when Cyanide first released Blood Bowl we were quick to set up a league - The Blood Bowel.  Over time the league has grown to be the largest continuously supported game played by members of the Gamesblog and at it's height had 30 coaches signed up to play.  Not big by some standards but not bad for a niche game based on a 30 year old board game played by a group of people who's main interest was video games.  It's from that group that a core of about 10 of us decided to meet up and play tabletop Blood Bowl as means of socialising, drinking and playing the game we've come to love and loath in equal measure. It's not really serious and we're all there just to have fun - or as much fun as you can have rolling 1s and swearing a lot.

This time I decided to take Humans, the archetypal middle of the road team.  Jacks of all trades and masters of none.  My team is the Grim Bay Hackers and they had the history to do well.

The event was based on the NAFC rule set so TV was 110 with 6 skills & one of those could be a double. Having said that this wasn't a serious event I did deliberate for a long time over the best roster to take.  Initially my plan was to fit in Mighty Zug as the thought of taking what was basically an Ogre with no Bonehead was very tempting.  On the downside, he was a lot more expensive than the basic Ogre and I lost a lot a rerolls to fit him in.  Then I considered Griff Oberwald.  I've used him before and he worked well but, again, he's a lot of extra cost and I had to lose some players and, again, most of the rerolls.  As good as Griff is, at TV110 he's just difficult to justify.  I finally settled on what I thought was the best balance for the Human team and took 4 Blitzers, 2 Throwers, 2 Catchers (No's 11 & 18), 3 Linemen (No's 69, 21 & 70) and the Ogre.  I had 3 rerolls and 2 Fan Factor.  2 of the Blitzers had Guard, 1 had Tackle, both Catchers had Block and the Ogre was given Block as the double skill.  On paper, it looked OK as 7 of the 11 players on the field had Block, 2 had Block and Dodge, there was some mobile Guard and the Strength of the Ogre. Of course, on paper is one thing and on the pitch is a whole other matter.  I could have dropped a Thrower and taken an Apothecary instead (along with 2 Fan Factor, an Assistant Coach and a Cheerleader) but I felt that the extra man was a better option so went with the 12 man team.

First game of the day was against Ziploc and his Dark Elves.  He loves DaE and has played them in every league and Tournament we've had in the Bowel.  It's all he plays.  His roster was 2 Witch Elves, 2 Runners, 2 Blitzers, 4 Linemen and an Assassin with 2 rerolls.  Skill choices were a little left-field with Pro on a Runner, Mighty Blow and Strip Ball on the Witches, Dodge and Dauntless on the Blizers and Sidestep on the Assassin.  Everything started off really well when I won +2 FAME and the kick off so elected to receive.  After that it started to fall apart quite rapidly.  This was partly due to poor dice and partly due to very poor coaching.  Turn 1 saw the first reroll used on the second block of the game when double skulls popped up.  The second reroll was used in T2 when my Ogre rolled double Both Down.  Rather stupidly I forgot he had Block and so rolled the Loner roll, passed that, rerolled the Block and got the POW I wanted so it was kind of OK but then, after I ended my turn and had time to go back over the previous events I sudden;y realised what I had done.  I was not particularly proud of myself there.  The problem was the Ogre had no skill ring on him - he's based on a large base and skill rings don't fit but I thought it would be OK, what kind of idiot forgets his Ogre has Bock? right?  Then, in T4 my second set of double skulls popped out and that was all my rerolls gone for the half.  Weirdly, once the rerolls had all gone, I stopped getting bad rolls.  Maybe the Zug roster could have worked after all.  I caused a couple of casualties to the Elves and in turn 7 Jarred Mankin ran the ball over the line for the first touchdown.  My joy was short lived as in turn 8 'Slay' Mathews, one of my Guard Blitzers was carried of the pitch with an injury.  So, it was 1-0 to me at half time, I was kicking to the Elves for the second half and I was a Guard player down.  I was in the lead but I wasn't feeling confident.  My confidence dropped even further when Ho-Ho Dixon-Clint was KOd in turn 1 but I managed to contain the Elves until I got the chance to Blitz the Runner who tried to dump the ball off but failed and I soon had the ball in the hands of the team's star Thrower, Aaron Dodgers.  In turn 6 Jarred Mankin dodged free and ran to the end zone, A-Dod ran as far as he could up the pitch and launched a short pass to the waiting Mankin to make it 2-0 to the Hackers.  The last few turns were played out but the elves failed to make any inroads and the game ended 2-0.

I should say at this point that it was my intention to make notes during each game so that I could refer to them when doing this write up.  However, as the games wore on and the pints of beer were consumed I found myself writing less and less.  So, I'm having to rely on my memory and it might be a bit shaky.

Game 2 was against my old adversary Henry Pootle.  We've played many times on the Cyanide game and he's been coming to the NAF championship with me for the last 4 years.  He had decided to bring his Chaos Dwarfs and, in keeping with his reputation as master fouler, he had a Dirty Player Hobgoblin along for the ride.  His roster was a little light as he had decided to take a Minotaur with Block, 6 Chaos Dwarfs (4 had Guard) , 4 Hobgoblins (1 Dirty Player), 1 Bull Centaur, 3 RR and 3 FF.  If the first game started well, this one was the opposite and started badly for me.  Pootle won +1 FAME, he won the kick off so elected to receive and the weather was bright sunshine which would hamper my passing game even more than the Humans AG3 already did.  It wasn't looking good.  The first half was a brawl played out largely in the middle of the pitch.  If one of my players went down he was swiftly stamped on by a Hobgoblin and even with the referees at first ensuring that such deeds didn't go unpunished, Pootle continued to foul throughout the half.  As I expected, it was difficult to break Dwarf armour and my players were, rather predictably, being removed from the pitch.  I put up a strong defence though and the Dwarfs were held to 0-0 at the end of the half.  I received in the second half and Double Skulls re-rolled to Double Skulls in T1, followed by the same in T2 saw my dice cup go flying.  A short walk to the bar and the purchase of some refreshments for us both saw me regain some semblance of composure and the game continued.  More and more fouls were thrown but the refs were now oblivious to what was going on and only 2 Hobgoblins were sent off.  2 more were injured leaving the Chaos Dwarfs without any foulers.  No, they just started using Dwarfs instead.  Several times I managed to almost get away but numbers were very short by this stage and I couldn't get the separation I needed.  At the death a Bull Centaur had the ball and after making 3 GFI's was 1 square short from a TD with no turns left.  The game ended with 2 casualties each and a 0-0 scoreline.  The foul count was 7 for the Chaos Dwarfs and none for me.  It was a very tight game and I'm still not sure how I managed to hold out but it felt like it was deserved draw.  Highlight of the game was the sheer number of times that Pootle forgot he had Blitzed in a turn and would try to do it again.  I'm convinced he has the memory of a goldfish.  On one turn he Blitzed with his Minotaur, then moved a player next to one of mine and then declared a Blitz with his Centaur!  There had been about 30 seconds since he actually blitzed.  Brilliant.

So, game 3 rolled round and with 1 win and 1 draw but no TDs conceded I somehow found myself playing at the top table against Cunningstunt and his Skaven team who were on 2 wins.  His roster was a Rat Ogre with Block, 2 Blitzers (1 had Tackle & the other Guard), 2 Gutter Runners with Block, 1 Thrower and 5 Linerats.  He had taken Fezglitch, the Skaven Ball and chain Star Player, 3 RR and 1 FF.  I can't for the life of me remember what his 6th skill choice was.  Again I lost the FAME roll and the kick off.  The rats received so they could maximise the use of Fezglitch and I kicked off.  I set up a wide defence on the line of scrimmage to frustrate Fezglitch and, sure enough, in T1 he danced around my linemen before finally knocking 1 down and standing in front of my Ogre.  In my turn 1 I got the assists I need, punched Fezglitch in the head KOd him off the pitch.  With no bribes that was him done.  100k for 1 turn of fairly ineffective shoving and you have to wonder if the Stars are really all they're made out to be.  The rats were hard to stop but I brought enough pressure to force the score in T4.  I had a lot of turns to bring the pain but although I was breaking a lot of armour I was only KOing them.  Cunning felt like the dice were against him but, as I pointed out, they all had a chance to come back whereas the player of mine he had injured was off for good.  All my other ice rolls completely deserted me and despite removing 7 players I was unable to score.  The turning point of the game was in T8 when I  got the ball passed it to a  free catcher and he dashed up field to where a Blitzer was waiting in scoring range.  I handed the ball off only needing a 3+ with a RR in hand for jut this occassion.  Of course I rolled a 1 followed by a rerolled 1.  The half ended 1-0 to the Skaven but I was receiving and there were 7 Skaven in the KO box.  Without any Bloodweiser Babes to rely on, Cunning then made 6 out of 7 4+ KO rolls to bring back almost every player he had.  I'll freely admit that moments like that are immensely frustrating and the fact I was behind because I couldn't roll a 3 or more with 2 dice rolls but my opponent sat there and rolled so many 4+ rolls really got to me.  The second half kicked off and before long both my Catchers were gone and I was struggling to make any progress.  Yet another Double Skull block put me in a horrible position and the Skaven soon had the ball to make it 2-0.  The last few turns passed and I was unable to even get the consolation TD to end the game.  A 2-0 loss then but I felt like I played as well as I could and with a bit of luck, or bad luck for my opponent, it could have been different.

So, 3 games and the standard 1W-1D-1L result.  A perfectly average result for a perfectly average team with a perfectly average coach.  What did I learn from the experience?  Firstly, there were moments where I felt like I could really do something with the team only to fall short at the last hurdle.  The lack of any real agility players is a pain when it comes to playing the ball and without any reliable strength players it's not easy taking the fight to a game.  As a team I thought I had picked a good roster and it looks like it can deliver but looks can be deceptive.  I know I need to work on my game a bit more and I think if I get a better handle on how to use the Humans as a team then I'll get more from them.

Secondly, Catchers are great on Defence.  I was worried that the ST2 would be a problem and it was but not where I expected it to be.  On defence they work fine providing mobile assists and you can block players away from them with relative ease.  It was on offence where I had problems and too often I pushed them deep to threaten the opposition and they just got battered.  Even with Block and Dodge losing out to 2 dice blocks from opponents (3 dice from the big guys) is just too much and then the AV7 doesn't stand up well and all of sudden you have no catchers.  I hate, hate, hate that Human Catchers are only ST2 and I can see no reason, either from a thematic point of view or a game point of view to support why they are.  I'm sure better coaches than me can go on at length about how they're not that bad and that they should only be ST2 to balance the team but I just don't get it.  Bar the Wood Elf catchers - and they're essentially forest fairy folk with Agility 4 and Sprint so I kind of get it with them - the Human Catcher is the only other ST2 one in the game. Why?  Both the other human type catchers, the Norse and Amazons, are ST3.  Sure, they have slightly less movement, MA7 and MA6 respectively, but the Norse one has Dauntless!  High Elf Catchers have MA8, same as the Human ones, have AG4 and AV8 and are still ST3!  The Elf team Catcher is arguably the best Catcher out of the box with AG4, MA8, Catch and Nerves of Steel.  They can catch the ball on a 2+ anywhere on the field and they're also ST3.  Like I said, I don't get it.  I know that the latest game from Cyanide has seemingly drawn from the Narrow Tier Blood Bowl work by Plasmoid and the Human Catchers gets AV8 instead of 7 which I can see being good for long term survivability in a persistent League but doesn't really help in a tournament environment.  And if you really want to increase the chances of a Human Catcher surviving a game then reduce the amount Block dice that can be thrown against him by increasing his strength.  Would it really unbalance the team that much?  Apologies for the rant but I've never used Human Catchers in a tournament before and, after this weekend, I'm not sure I would again without much, much more practice.

Lastly, I think I made a mistake taking the extra player over the apothecary.  In the first game it really hurt me when I lost the Guard Blitzer.  I've found that the Humans rely on the Guard they can get and having 2 of them on the pitch is great.  Losing one to be replaced with a normal Lineman or Thrower isn't a real replacement and it was a struggle from that point on.  Yes, I won that game but it was closer than the score suggests and the other two games were demonstrably harder once I lost key positional and even the chance of getting one back would have better than the spare player I had.

So, to sum up, it was a great day with mates with a few beers and some lovely food.  The Blood Bowl was good as well, despite my dice strops, and I look forward to doing it again sometime.

Team Selection for Gert Bowl

The changing room was crowded.  More so than usual as the hulking form of the team’s Troll, Rock Goblin-Eater, had forced his way into the room.  The coach had called a team meeting to discuss the team selection for the next tournament in Brizzle.  He came in through the door and silenced the room with a glare from his one good eye.  When the boys were finally quiet, bar the occasional snap of a goblin bone as Rock chewed his breakfast, the coach stepped to one side and the recognisable figure of Varag Ghoul-Chewer strode into the room.

“Youse all know Varag”, said the coach, “it goes without sayin’ that he’s a star round ‘ere, a super star, and he’s kindly pulled on the red and white a few times dis season to help us out.”  He paused before continuing, “We’ze had a few tournies that haven’t gone well but the last one, with Varag on board, was a spectacular success! If it hadn’t been for da Oomie scum and doze bluddy Elfs we could have won it!”  A great roar rose up from the team and a multitude of fists punched the air.  Some punched their team mates and a scuffle broke out as the boys piled into the fun.  Varag strode into the middle of it and started banging heads together until once again there was silence.  “Saves yourselves for da game!” shouted the coach, “I’ze don’t want no injuries now, I’m gonna need you all fit and healthy for dis Brizzle bash”.  “Right, where wuz I…….Yes! we nearly won but we didn’t.  Better dun dat though, we caused da most injuries and dere’s nuffin we'ze like more than 'urting people.  So, the aim for Brizzle is to try and cause more Injuries!”.  

The coach held his hands in the air and waited for the hubbub to become more subdued.  “So, I’ze picked a team that’s designed to intimidate and annihilate, it won’t be pretty but I don’t want pretty, leave dat to da Elves, I want to smash stuff!”

 Da Coach gives his team talk

He took a piece of paper from his pocket and looked it over.  “I’ze been through dis with Varag, and ‘ere’s where we is:  Ulgan, Da Wall, Slaug & Krank.  All 4 of you Black Orcs is on da bus.  Borgor, Vork, Kruugash and Rurk. All 4 of you Blizers is on da bus too.  To lend more strength to the line, Rock…..Rock…..ROCK! you useless  Troll – youse better pay attention on the pitch, son – You is on da bus as well.  That leaves space for 2 more.  Kruug and Lugash, you Linos is da last of da team.  Everyone else….get out!”

The 11 players left in the room looked at each other with a smile on the lips.  This was a bold move by the coach but that’s why he got paid the big money.  It was going to be tough but with Varag on the team as well it was a formidable lineup.  In all, 5 ST4 players, 1 ST5 and all players AV9.  5 Players starting with Block and no doubt more would learn how to before the game.  Sure, there was only the one team reroll, sure there was no Sure Hands in the team as Osgar, the Thrower, hadn’t made the cut, sure they would be light on skills if the coach made one of them into a Leader but not one Orc there cared.  They were Orcs and they were born to fight!  The fans would love it – 

Da mob, dey came for blood, da mob, dey came for gore!
 

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Crumb Bowl - April 11th 2015

It was the annual Crumb Bowl 1 day tournament this weekend and as defending champion I had lot of pressure on my shoulders.  The Undead boys had performed really well last year when they snagged me the top prize so I was thinking that maybe they should get a chance to defend their title.  Then again, maybe the Gouged Eye should get a run out, they had earned it and could probably do a good job for me. On the other hand, maybe I could get an Elf team and really power game that title defence, show the world (well the 50 or so people in the world that were at Crumb) what a magnificent coach I am.  All were great ideas and I could put together a really strong roster for each.  So, in the end, I decided to throw those ideas away and take on the challenge of playing with a Human team.  The most average team in the whole of Blood Bowl and, to make it more interesting, I ditched the traditional build and hired the mighty Griff Oberwald for the tournament.  Sure, it meant I could only take 1 RR but it's Griff Oberwald, the greatest Blitzer to ever step on the Blood Bowl field, what could go wrong? eh?

The Roster I eventually decided to go with was 4 Blitzers, 1 Thrower, 6 Linemen, 1 RR and Griff.  The skills pack for Crumb was quite interesting this year.  You could have 6 skills comprising of 5 Normal skills and 1 Double skill or, if you wanted, you could trade the double skill for 2 Normal skills on the player in the no.4 slot on your roster thus giving you 7 skills in total.  I decided to trade the double straight away.  The roster I had chosen didn't need it but would really benefit from being able to stack a skill.  So, I took Guard on 2 Blitzers, Frenzy on a Blitzer, Leader on the Thrower (to give me 2 RR for the tournament), Kick on a Linemen (giving me the opportunity to control the game a bit better) and finally I gave my 4th Blitzer Tackle and Mighty Blow.  My thinking was twofold.  Firstly, Tackle can be a bit hit or miss - come up against a team with no Dodge and it's essentially wasted - but if that player can also take a Mighty Blow then even in games where I faced no Dodge, he would still be a threat.  Secondly, if I am facing a player with Dodge, it's usually the low armour, agile teams and the players with the Dodge skill are usually a threat to me.  If I could take them down with tackle then, with their lower AV, the Mighty Blow would help make sure that they stayed down if not take them off the pitch altogether.  That was the thinking anyway.....

The team itself was the Grim Bay Hackers Based in the small town of Grim Bay, at the mouth of the Black Gulf in the Border Princes territory of the Auld World, the Hackers are developing a reputation for themselves. They are a strong team at their home stadium of Lonecrow Field but the real test would be how well they travelled to deepest Wiltshire and the village hall ground of Christian Malford.  The players that made the journey were:

#52 - Clayton 'Slay' Matthews (Blitzer)

#56 - Julius 'Hot' Peppers (Blitzer)

#27 - Edward Laces (Blitzer)

#44 - Jim Stark (Blitzer)

#12 - Aaron Dodgers (Thrower)

#70 - T.J. Clang (Lineman)

#30 - Jack Boom (Lineman)

#69 - Dave Backery (Lineman)

#90 - B.J. Argy (Lineman)

#50 - A.J. Eagle (Lineman)

#21 - Ho-Ho Dixon-Clint (Lineman)

and, of course, they were joined by Griff.

So, with their 1 re-roll in hand and the second re-roll relying on the fact they had to protect their Thrower, the team set off to play.

1st game was against a team of Amazons, the Callous Cowgirls, coached by Cornish.  I've only played against Amazons a few times and I've never really been able to get a handle on them.  His was a strong roster that included [the obligatory] Roxanna Darknail.  I won the FAME and the kick off and elected to receive.  One thing I knew I would have to do was play conservatively, I couldn't afford to be rash and waste the precious re-rolls I had so the Blitzers did all the heavy lifting, Griff swept up behind them and the Linemen just tried to get in the way.  It worked really well in the first half and, helped by the fact that Roxanna rolled something like 4 consecutive 1s to fail leaps & dodges, I went over in T8 to go ahead 1-0.  Second half started really well with a deep kick and I quickly corralled the Amazons onto one side of the pitch, their Thower was forced to run back deep into their half and for 4 or 5 turns I held the line.  During this period, Griff was lurking in the backfield, an ever present threat to any Amazon player that wanted to come into my half.  Then, for reasons I don't even understand now, I committed Griff to the attack and he was hopelessly out of position.  A 1 dice block knocked him down (so much for being a Blodger) and Roxanna raced off with the ball.  I tried as hard as I could to get back to her but she was just too quick and she went over the line to make it 1-1.  I had a few turns to try and get the winning score but it wasn't to be and the game ended a draw.  Overall, I was very happy with how the game played out and the team performed very well.  One silly mistake on my part cost me the win but it was great experience and Cornish was a lovely bloke to play against.  Sadly, I already knew that my defence of the Crumb Bowl title had fallen at the first hurdle but there was a lot more to play for.

Game 2 was against the Wood Elf team of the Glade Runners coached by Speedingbullet.  I won the FAME but lost the kick off and was forced to kick to the Elves.  My Lineman with Kick sent the ball deep and my MB/Tackle Blitzer set about putting Elves off of the pitch.  An early KO to a Wardancer certainly helped but the Elves scored in about turn 4 to go 1 up.  The Wardancer felt he'd had enough that half and decided to stay in the KO box which was good for me and having received the ball I caused a few casualties and scooped the ball up.  Unfortunately, it all went awry and before I knew it Elves had flooded into my half of the pitch and Aaron Dodgers was stranded on his own, with the ball, and 5 or 6 Elves breathing down his neck.  The Frenzy Blitzer pushed one Elf out of the way leaving a narrow corridor for Dodgers to run into and attempt to throw the ball.  Griff was down field, hand in the air signifying that he was open and A-Dod cocked back his arm and flung the ball with all his might.  At this point I should say that I only wanted to get the ball away from the Elves.  Anywhere but where it was at that point in time.  I wasn't looking for accurate, I was looking to move the ball.  It was a desperation play, a million to one shot (well, 1 in 6 but that doesn't sound half as exciting).  I shook the dice cup, slammed it down and said a little prayer - "Please be a 4 or more" - lifted the cup, slowly, eyes' half closed, and heard an audible groan from my opponent above the background noise in the hall.  A 6! Get in you beauty! There's a reason that Dodgers was chosen as the Leader for this team and that was it right there. The ball spiralled through the air tightly and Griff caught it with ease before sprinting off into the corner where he hung around for a bit before crossing the line to make it 1-1 in T8.  The second half kicked off, the Elves were back up to 2 Wardancers (for a short while anyway) and I had 8 turns to thin the numbers and get a second.  Griff once again proved his worth as he rolled back the years and rampaged around the pitch.  The MB/Tackle Blitzer got himself in the mix and the Elves didn't know which way to turn.  I managed to split the Elf team up and Griff again ran free.  A-Dod lived up to his name and dodged free of coverage before launching a long pass to the waiting Oberwald.  I needed a 5 and, of course, I rolled a 5.  Griff made the catch and soon scored the second.  I had a chance for a 3rd later in the game but it wasn't to be and the game ended 2-1.  A great victory against a strong team with a good coach.

One strange thing happened in game 2 that I've never had before.  Both of us lined up for a kick off with 11 players on the pitch.  I had +1 FAME for the game and I rolled the Kick Off event.  Double 6 came up, Pitch invasion!  I hate that event as it can totally turn games around.  Anyway, I only had to roll a 5 to stun some Elves, my opponent had to roll a 6 to knock down my humans.  We rolled 22 dice, 11 each, and not one single player was knocked down!  Not one, I was amazed.  The worlds worst pitch invasion.....ever.  I'm glad though, like I said, I hate the event and I was happy that it had no effect on the game at all.

So, with a record of a draw and a win game 3 came round and I found myself facing The Melvins, a Chaos Dwarf team coached by FistyPete.  This was a tough, tough game.  Dwarfs are hard to beat at the best of times and with the addition of a Minotaur and 2 Bull Centaurs it was never going to be an easy game.  Again I won the FAME and lost the Kick Off so kicked deep to try and slow the Dwarfs down.  My tactic was to hold them up in the first half, stop the score, get the ball in the second half, score in about T6 or 7 and hold them up again.  The first half of this plan worked to perfection and it was 0-0 at half time.  I had managed to take out a couple of Hobgoblins but the Dwarfs were resolute and I had lost both my Guard Blitzers.  I worked the ball up the field but without my Guard and with thinning numbers it was proving rather difficult.  Finally , I had a chance.  A Blitzer was free, A-Dod had the ball, what could go wrong?  Dodgers forgot what it was to dodge and failed the first part of the play.  Balls!  I had a RR though and it was promptly called upon.  This time he successfully made the dodge and set off on his passing run.  His arm came back and again he launched a high, spiralling ball across the field.  It was beautiful, it really was.  Slay Matthews looked up and I don't know if he was blinded by the sun, confused by the fact that he wasn't hitting something or if he was distracted by the Bloodweiser Beer concession stand he could see out the corner of his eye, but either way he fluffed the catch and the ball was on the floor.  It was a disaster but we could get it back......maybe.  The Chaos Dwarfs played a dirty trick at this point and Griff, noble Griff, was smacked in the face with a custard pie.  I was outraged!  To make matters worse they then picked the ball up with a Bull Centaur and ran away!  The devils!  Fortunately he couldn't get far and, with 2 Turns left, Griff hauled himself off the ground, wiped custard off his face and Blitzed the defenceless Centaur for a 1 dice block.  Griff has Block, the Centaur has nothing so, obviously, Griff rolled a Skull.  He then failed the Loner roll and hit the dirt hard.  So hard in fact that he broke his armour and was stunned for the remainder of the game.  That was it, game over.  The Bull Centaur sprinted off to try and get in scoring range.  Last turn of the game and a failed blitz meant that the Centaur only had to Go For It 3 times to score, with Sure Feet.  He ran his full 6 squares, then made the first GFI, a 1!  Sure Feet Re-roll succeed; second GFI was a success and he was standing on the brink of greatness.  He lifted his head high and flared his nostrils, filling them with the sweet, sweet aroma of victory.  He had single-handedly downed the great Griff Oberwald, picked up the ball and now he was on the verge of winning the game for his team.  It was probably this train of thought that led to him losing concentration for a second but, in Blood Bowl, a second is all it takes.  his feet tangled up as he crossed the line and he went down in a crumpled heap.  the game ended 0-0.  I nearly won it and then I nearly lost it,  all in a couple of turns.  Sums up what's great about this game.

It was a fabulous day and I finished 17th from 46.  Not quite the title defence I had hoped for but, then again, not the abject disaster that I feared either.  I won one game because I rolled a 6 on 1 dice roll and I avoided defeat in another because my opponent rolled a 1 on 1 dice roll.  I'll take that.  As they say,  I would rather than be lucky than good.  I'm certainly not good so the luck is all I have.

Congratulations go out to HungDonkeyMan for taking the title this year, to darkson for coming second, Rubick for his third place and to Dionysian for taking the coveted International Glowworm Award in 4th place.  The Stunty Cup went to Shortarse and the Wooden Spoon to Tully.

Crumb Bowl is a really great tournament and has been the biggest one day tournament in the South West, if not the country, for the last few years.  I understand that next year it may move towards being a two day tournament and I would encourage everyone that plays Blood Bowl to attend.  It's well run, the food is great, it's very friendly for newcomers to the game and those with little tournament experience, and because of all that has a great atmosphere.  The more that play next year the bigger it will be and we get to keep one of the best tournaments on the circuit.  Who knows, you might even get to face the Grim Bay Hackers with Griff and it's got to be worth it for that alone.

Full Results:

BUBBA Bowl 2015 - Blood Bowl on a Farm

This weekend saw the Gouged Eye take to the field for their second tournament of the year - The BUBBA Bowl - and in a shocking turn of events their former star and coach, Varag Ghoul-Chewer, laced up his boots and took to the pitch once more to show the young pups how things get done.

The full roster for the weekend was:

4 x Black Orcs

4 Blitzers

3 Lineorcs

2 RR

and, of course, Varag

All of which weighed in at a whopping Team Value of 1.2million.  The tournament also granted every team 5 free Fan Factor and an extra player in the shape of a baby cow whose stat line was MA5 ST3 AG2 AV7 and she came with Loner, Disturbing Presence and Horns.  I'll say it now, I fielded her once in the entire tournament and that was when I was forced to bring her on as a sub due to a couple refusing to leave the KO box for the drive.  I felt that having Varag with Loner on the pitch was risk enough and she just didn't add to my team.  I think she worked well for some rosters but, for me, she wasn't really required.  Maybe I'm an old killjoy - everyone else seemed to have a lot of fun using her although Glowworm flatly refused my request to declare a "Mooo-ve" action when moving her  - but she stayed in the reserves for the almost the whole day

Skills wise, the Orcs were considered a Tier 1 team and I was only allowed to take 4 skills and none of them could be a double.  I ended up going with 2 Block Black Orcs, a Tackle Blitzer and a Guard Blitzer.  I was concerned that only having 4 skills would actually hurt the Orcs and not having access to doubles (or a thrower in my team build) I couldn't get Leader on anyone to give me the third RR.  In actual fact, I think they worked really well.  Yes, a third RR would have been nice and I only won FAME once in 4 games so didn't even pick up many 'free' RR from events but it was ok, I managed the 2 I had quite well.  The biggest problem, as always with the Orcs, is the fact they're very much a Jack-of-all-trades team with no real specialist skills that can allow you to change games.  This became most apparent in the last game of the day but more on that later.

So, on to the event itself.  It was held on the farm of one of the organisers.  Not an old farm or a disused farm but a proper, working farm and the shed where we were playing was only yards from the cow sheds.  The shed itself was cold and, as evening fell, lit by people's iPhones to supplement the few bare bulbs that were in there.  It was however, an absolutely cracking day and the venue just added to it.  There's always a real sense of camaraderie at Blood Bowl tournaments and it was more present than ever as coaches laughed and joked about the weather and we hunkered down into our layers of clothing to keep warm - all of us bar Loki who, as a Scot, found it all a bit warm and played in his shirt sleeves!! Hungdonkeyman, whose farm it was, had roped in his family to help and his wife was getting the urn going as I turned up so we had tea & coffee all day with a plentiful supply of biscuits.  At lunchtime she cooked a wonderful chilli-con-carne with rice and garlic bread for all 30 of us and it ranks up there as the best food I've had at a Blood Bowl tournament.  If it's held there again next year, I'll definitely be returning.

Game 1 - First game of the day was against a player I met last year via Twitter and who has become a good mate.  Hairy Pete, who also runs the Exebowl tournament, had brought down his Chaos team to play the day.  This team being classed as a Tier 2 team had access to 6 skills and the Clawed up Minotaur was a worry from the minute I saw it.  In what became a pattern for the day I lost the FAME roll, won the Kick Off roll and elected to receive.  In hindsight I should have probably kicked but I didn't.  Something to remember for the next time.  I worked the ball up the pitch and the both of us took turn to ineffectually swat at each other before I finally scored to make it 1-0.  Pete worked his drive well and it was 1-1 at the half.  I kicked off for the second half and promptly saw a Blitzer take a rock to the face, KOing him and leaving me with 10 on the field.  I hate, HATE, that event.  At one point I thought I had him and could take the ball away but it wasn't to be and Pete took the game 2-1.  It was a great game, lots of fun and very close.  I don't think Pete would mind me saying that it really could have gone either way.  One dice roll here or there a little different and who knows, the result could have been reversed.  It was nice to play Pete though and despite the loss, I really enjoyed the game.  Oh, as it turned out, the Mino had  rubber tips to his claws in our game and I came out of it unscathed.  In fact, for a game between Chaos and Orcs, the casualty count was a woeful 0.

Game 2 - Second game was against Enderman, the youngest player at the tournament.  He had travelled down with his dad, Sann0638, and quite honestly, his enthusiam for the game should be an example to us all.  His cries of joy as he caused casualties were often heard across the hall and he simply enjoyed playing the game regardless of what was happening.  If there was a "Most Sporting" award he would have got my vote.  I'm old and forgetful and declared a 1 dice block at one stage.  Before I rolled the dice he stopped me and pointed out an assist I missed thus giving me a less risky 2 dice block.  Fair play to him as it would have been easy to be quiet but he didn't and you have to respect him for pointing it out and his dad for passing on the ethos of playing fair.  He played Orcs as well and his basic roster was similar but he took Scrappa Sorehead as his Star Player and he had 3RR, an Apothecary and a Cheerleader.  He played really well but I got a couple of breaks early on, including killing one of his players and managed to take the game 2-0.  It was a lot closer than the score suggests and the fact that he went on to win his third game shows he was a more than capable player.

Game 3 - In the break between games, Glowworm collared me and asked what I was on.  "A win and a loss", I replied.  "Same as me", he said, "We could play next".  "I hope not" was my response.  Now, I love Glowworm, he's a great bloke, well known on the tournament circuit and I always enjoy my games with him.  Thing is, he's in my local league and I can play him whenever I want.  In fact, I played him the Tuesday before the tournament in a practice match for the tournament!  Of course, as game 3 was announced I had drawn Glow.  He had brought his Underworld team out to play with Glart Smashrip and Skitta Stab-Stab in tow.  To my relief, he had decided not to put Claw on his Troll as that had caused me no end of trouble in our practice game.  I was still perturbed to see Skitter again though or, as I like to call him, Skitta the c**t, because he is a real pain.  I tried as hard as I could to get him off the pitch but the bloody thing had mithril armour that refused to break.  Again though, this was a great game and I haven't laughed so much during a game as we did in this one.  We shared a few jokes with MadeofWelsh who was on the table next to us - he particularly like my "Mooo-ve" action joke  - and the game went by quite quickly.  It ended up a 1-1 draw, which I was happy with.  Highlight of the game was Varag picking the ball up and Glow moaning (he didn't mean it, we do it to each other whenever an action succeeds) about Varag getting the ball.  "Of course he's picked the ball up!", I shouted, "He's a fucking Star Player, he rolled a 6!  That's how we roll dice in the big leagues!"  Even Glow cracked a smile.

Game 4 - Going into the final game with a 1-1-1 record I was determined not to lose.  Don't get me wrong, I wanted to win but I was determined that this wouldn't end with a loss.  I was up against Frogboy, a player I hadn't played before but I had seen at other tournaments, and his Necro team.  It had been a long day and we were both feeling a little jaded.  Luckily Lunchmoney was next to us on the table and he was able to provide shortbread to keep us going.  This was the only game that I won FAME but, for the 4th game in a row I won the kick off and, for the 4th time in a row, I elected to receive.  I caused an early casualty to a zombie but he regened so would be back next drive.  I did manage to KO a few and with numbers reduced, Frogboy couldn't stop me scoring on my drive.  The biggest thing for me in the game was badly hurting one of Flesh Golems who then failed to regen. I stopped his drive and the ball was on the floor flanked by 2 Orcs.  He dodged a Werewolf free, stepped onto the ball, picked it up on a 5, dodged out on a 3+ and ran off to score.  I was gutted but fair play to him, if you don't make the play then you can't get the score.  I've done similar myself in a tournament and so can't complain.  On the next kick off I got the ball and had two chances to get the ball into the hands of a Blitzer who would have then scored.  1st time I failed the throw but the scatter saw it caught by another of my players so not the end of the world.  Second attempt, without RR, I failed the GFI to bring the range down to a 3+ throw and that was the game.

I finished my day on 1-2-1 in 19th position out of 30.  I had 4 great games against 4 great opponents and really enjoyed the whole day, you can't ask much more than that really.  The Orcs worked much better for me this time round and Varag was a beast.  Sadly, I don't know many tournaments where I'll be able to fit him in around a solid team, certainly not the NAFC, so he won't see any use for a while but it was fun while it lasted.  I don't have a tournament booked in for while now but hopefully I'll get some more in before the NAFC in Nottingham.  I'm up to 71 NAF ranked games now and would like to hit 100 before the year is out so I had better start looking at the calendar.

Daisy, You're a Little Star!

Another Blood Bowl game had reached it's climax and Jonas Humerus, Liche coach of the Undead Team,  Templehof Doom, could only watch as, with a thunderous shoulder charge, Balzak the Dark of the Chaos team crushed another skeleton to dust.  It was the last play of the game and Jonas waved the clean up crew onto the pitch as the hulking Chaos warriors trooped past him.  They were followed by the snorting hordes of the Beastmen and bringing up the rear was the huge form of Gygax, the Minotaur.  Jonas stared at him in awe; he had been a beautiful sight on the pitch and had personally dispatched several of the Undead team himself during the game and it was only because of a frantic arcane  ritual carried out on the sidelines that Jonas still had two Mummies available to play the following week.  Mummies were ok, thought Jonas, but if he could have a Minotaur, his own Minotaur....well, then I'd  win a few games.

In the throne room of his palace in the Chaos wastes, Tzeentch, God of change, turned from the scrying ball which he had used to illegally watch the latest Cabalvision cast of that weeks Blood Bowl game and beckoned to his servant.  "That Gygax is a wonderful sight, Felcher, a truly wonderous sight.  I wonder if there's a better Minotaur in any of the Chaos teams....".  He fell silent and Felcher offered his own thoughts.
"I think probably not, Lord, and he's a favourite with the Lord khorne.  I know he's anxious to see him soon and bestow his...gifts...".
Tzeentch stiffened at the very mention of Khorne's name.  "Typical!" he hissed, he always gets the best players! It's not fair Felcher! It's not fair!"  Tzeentch stood and stamped his foot on the paved floor, "I want that Mino for myself, Felcher.  That'll give me my own personal player and....", he paused, "....and it will really, really piss off Khorne...".  Felcher's shoulders dropped, he knew what was coimng next and was half turning to leave as Tzeentch shouted "Yes! get down there Felcher, find the Mino, give it a few things, you know what I like - some big pinchers always look good - tart him up a bit and then come back".  He started laughing, "Gods! I can't wait to see the look on Khorne's face"

There was a flash of light, a puff of smoke and Felcher found himself in a field adjacent to the Blood Bowl pitch.  He looked around but could see nobody about.  The only living things, in fact, were a few cows idly chewing the cud a few feet away from him.  He heard a sound and spun round just in time to catch the entire Chaos team, Gygax included, mount their transport and hurry off to whatever cursed place they currently called home.  "Bollocks!", muttered Felcher.  He knew he couldn't go back to Tzeentch with nothing.  Visions of hot, sharp, pointy things being inserted into soft, fleshy things filled his imagination and he shivered.  Lost in thought he hadn't noticed the smallest cow wander over to take a closer look at him.  He startled as it nuzzled his hand with it's big, wet nose and he stepped back into a feshly laid cow pat.  "Oh, brilliant!", he screamed, "Could this get any worse! you stupid bloody cow! you Stupid....little...cow....with tiny horns....and a bull like face...."  Very slowly a smile crept across Felcher's face as the germ of an idea took root in his brain.

Back in the Throne room, Tzeentch turned as Felcher entered.  "All done", he bellowed.
"Oh yes", replied Felcher, "You have you very own Minotaur to cheer on in the Blood Bowl games".
"Excellent", squaled Tzeentch, "that's great news.  How did Gygax accept my gift?  was he pleased?!
"Errr....", stammered Felcher, "Not quite, no.  You see, he wasn't there, he'd gone.  Knowing you would be very disappointed I did the next best thing and found a new beast fpr you.  I gave it everything it needed.  It'll be the best thing to run out on the pitch in aeons.  You'll love it!"
"You found another beast?", asked Tzeentch suspiciously, "Another Minotaur?"
"Not quite", said Felcher, "It was a coogghhhwww" he muuttered.
"A what?"
"A cow", said Felcher, wincing, "It was a cow"
"FELCHER!!!"

Jonas Humerus left the dressing rooms, dreams of his own Minotaur still filling his mind when a sudden noise startled him.  Looking up he saw a...a...well, he wasn't sure really.  It looked a bit like Little Daisy from the field next door but it was walking upright.  It's gait was unsteady, not just because it was unused to it's new bipedal existence but because it had been dressed in some ornate, pink, high heeled boots.  Where it's front legs should have been were 2 arms, bulging with muscles, that ended in blue claws.  These were supplemented by an additional pair of arms - you can never have to many arms is a common Chaos cry.  Her horns had grown huge and looked as sharp as spears.  He couldn't look at her too long as his eyes began to water and he began to feel a little nauseous.  The thing that was Daisy tottered over to Jonas and with a pained voice mooed "Bloood Boooowl".  Jonas looked up and smiled.  She might be small but she would do for now, yes, she would do for now.....

Little Daisy - special player at the one day BUBBA Bowl tournament on 27th February 2015:

MA5 ST3 AG2 AV7 - Loner, Disturbing Presence, Horns

Welsh Open 2015 - Recap

The Welsh Open is over for another year so while the memories are still fresh, while the pain is still etched on my face, before the scars have a chance to heal, it's time for a quick look at what happened.

Game 1 - First game was against a fellow Orca Cola (OCC) League member, Zulu, and his Norse.  It was a strong roster with a Mighty Blow/Block Yhetee at the middle of it.  I thought it would be ok if I could get a few armour breaks, whittle the numbers down and gain momentum as I built up a player advantage.  Turned out that the Norse AV7 was far, far better than my rubbish Orc AV9 and I was the one on the end of a beating.  Orcs were being removed from the pitch at an unhealthy rate and Zulu being a very good coach took advantage.  I lost this game 2-1

Game 2 - Hoping for an easier game but I was soon disappointed as I found out I was facing Chaos.  I've struggled with the orcs for a while and facing a team that matched me for strength, had a clawed up Minotaur and could ST4 Blitz from anywhere on the pitch was real challenge.  The coach, jaskirl, was fairly inexperienced at NAF tournament play, I think he'd played 9 games in total, but he played the Chaos well and I really struggled.  Again, I lost the CAS war and found myself down on numbers but managed to get the game to 1-1.  It came down to the final turn of the game, a Beastman was 1 square away from the endzone and flanked by Orcs.  He needed a 4+ dodge into the endzone to win the match 2-1.  He failed and it ended a draw.  I was very lucky to get the draw here.

Game 3 - The tournament wasn't going well and all I wanted to do was get an easy game out of the way and get home.  I found I had drawn SillySod and his Lizardmen for game 3 and had a little cry.  Once again I struggled to gain an advantage.  I was outdone in Strength and Speed as well as facing a rather nasty Stand Firm/Diving Tackle Kroxigor.  I think I held it to 0-0 at the half but conceded in the 2nd half with a few turns to go.  I gathered the ball from the kick-off, got it to a Blitzer and made a break down the wing.  I thought I had got far enough away but had miscounted and was soon marked by the f***king Kroxigor and a skink.  In my last turn I cleared the skink away and then said a little prayer to Nuffle.  In total I needed a perfect 6 to get away - I needed a 3+ to dodge and with Prehensile Tail and Diving Tackle modifying the dice roll by a total of -3, I had to roll the 6.  Nothing else would do.  I shook the dice cup, slammed it down and......rolled a 5.  Damn you Nuffle!  Damn you to Hell!  I swear that somewhere in the room I heard a high pitched giggle.  I used my last reroll, reloaded the dice cup and shook it again, slammed it down and.......a 6! A glorious, beautiful, 6!  Nuffle! You Beauty.  I let out a loud Boom! and fired off the finger pistols before blowing the smoke away and holstering them on my hip.  That's how we roll dice in the big league and I got away with my second draw of the weekend.

Game 4 - Nuffles beneficence knows no bounds and after the glory of game 3 I faced Goblins in Game 4.  Dreamscreator was a lovely bloke, a pleasure to play against and his Goblin roster looked very good.  Having played Goblins myself a few times I know how destructive they can be.  I also know how quickly they can fall apart and for once the Orcs were on song.  They tore their way through the stunty ranks, dispatching Secret Weapons with aplomb and filling the injury room with fallen Goblins.  I finished the game by winning 3-0 and causing 4 casualties.  I was on the winning track.

Game 5 - Feeling elated I was brought back to earth with a bump by a very good Wood Elf team.  I played like an idiot and my opponent played very well indeed.  I caused a fair few caualties but it wasn't enough and with 1 turn to go I scored to grab a consolation TD in what I hoped was a 3-1 loss.  One turn and some Elf magic later I was 4-1 down.  Sums the game up really.

Game 6 - In my final game I faced another OCC coach, Doomy.  I've played him several times and never won.  Lost both times in fact.  So I wasn't feeling great and then he got his Skaven out and suddenly I felt a lot worse.  He had 5 Gutter Runners!  4 normal ones and Skitter Stab-Stab the Star Player.  Clearly the Gouged Eye felt they'd had enough of pussy-footing round and decided that this game would be the one to show what they had.  The game kicked off and they went to work.  The CAS box filled p quickly, Skitter was killed along with a Guard Blitzer and Osgar got his throwing arm going to spray the ball around.  The half ended 2-1.  Doomy equalised quickly in the 2nd Half and I then worked the ball down the field to the Skaven endznone but his Gutter Runners hit successful 1 dice blocks and the ball was on the ground.  3 turns on the trot I was unable to pick the ball up but before Doomy could snatch an improbable victory by grabbing the ball himself, the organisers called time and the game ended 2-2 with me causing 6 casualties.  A most unsatisfactory end to the tournament but there was nothing we could do (well, we could play quicker next time but I don't think ours was the only game called)

So, I finished on 1W - 3D - 2L.  Not great and for the second year running my only win was against Goblins.  I think it might have been a better record than last year but I'm not happy with it.  I need to go back to the drawing board and work on my game because clearly it isn't good enough.  There's a 1 day tournament at the end of February.  I'll have to think about taking the Orcs there and seeing how they go.

It's Showtime!

We are Orcs and dat's no lie
We'll make yoo scream an' make yoo cry
We'll pull yore hair an' pinch your thigh
An if dat doant work we'll gouge your eye!

Gissa 'G', gissa 'O', gissa 'W', gissa 'J', gissa 'E', gissa 'D', gissa 'E', 'Y', 'E'!!!

Head cheerleader, Sharog 'Melons' Man-Crusher gets the crowd going

The first tournament of the year for the Gouged Eye begins tomorrow at the Welsh Open in Newport.  6 games of Blood Bowl to crown one team the Princes of Wales for the next 12 months.  Competition will be close and brutal but at the end of it the Eye hope to be standing proud*.  

Come on the Eye!

*Disclaimer: It's unlikely that they'll win it or even come close but they'll let other teams know they've been there and, after all, that's all any Orc really wants.....

It's All About That Skill, No Hitting 1 - 1 Gouged Eye

Krank Elf-Splitter paced the floor of the dressing room, muttering to himself and occasionally punching his fist into the wall.  A number of holes and fractured plaster testament to the big Orcs anger.  "Sit yer self down, Krank!" bellowed Borgor Ghoul-Chewer, "Da bloody whip will want to charge us all for them 'oles your making!"  Ignoring his captain for a moment Krank threw another big punch at the wall sending a shower of plaster into the air.  "I'se bleeding 'ates Elves!", he shouted.  An Orc was rightfully proud of his name and Krank was no exception.  His Father, his Grandfather and his Great-Grandfather had all been Elf-Splitters.  It was a long and distinguished line of Elf-Splitters for whom the art of splitting Elves was something that had been honed over the years with each successive generation carrying on the tradition.  Facing High Elves in the 4th game of the season was something he had been looking forward to for weeks.  "I knowze ya do", replied Borgor, "now stop punching the f'ing wall and save something for the game, we'se gotz a job ta do!".  Borgor stood and, with the team following behind him, he stepped out of the dressing room and made for the pitch.

The first half was a violent affair.  Orcs, urged on by their fans, smashed the Elves wherever they could.  Elves were being stunned all over the pitch but the casualty box remained empty.  "Hit 'em 'arder!", screamed Krank above the din of the game, "Hit 'em until they stop moving!".  Hearing this, Kruugash  Neck-Snapper launched himself at the Elf Catcher, Speedy Tyrion, who had wandered a bit too close to the sidelines.  Kruugash caught him with a huge right hand, sending the Elf spinning off of the pitch and into the waiting embrace of the Gouged Eye fans.  With cheers and shouts the crowd set about the unfortunate Elf and when the dust settled down his lifeless body was lying broken on the ground.  The Apothecary for the Elves was soon on the scene and with judicious use of the magic sponge, the Elf stumbled to his feet and trooped off to the Reserve box.  he would play again!

The Elves were pushed further back and the pressure was showing.  Orcs were tackling Elves down whenever they tried to dodge away, another player was pushed into the crowd - mercifully into his own fans who simply helped him to his feet - and the ball was constantly being knocked loose.  With seconds ticking away in the first half the ball was on the ground surrounded by four Orcs and most of the Elves were also on the ground and marked by yet more Orcs.  The Elf catcher, Achilles, climbed up off the ground and dodged away from his marker before pushing himself to his limit to get into the Orc endzone.  He turned and saw Will McScore also drag himself to his feet and dodge away from the attention of the Orc covering him.  He ran as far as he could and then went to the very edge of his endurance as he leaped into the middle of the four Orcs covering the ball and, evading every hand trying to grab him, scooped the ball up and launched it down to Achilles in the end zone who made the catch look easy**.  The Orcs were visibly deflated as the jubilant Elves hugged and kissed each other in celebration of the score.  1-0 and the 1st half came to an end.

The second half saw the Orcs receive the ball and after a successful pass from Osgar, they caged up just inside the Elf half.  What followed was a sustained period of brutal Blood Bowl and the Elves came to regret angering the Orcs by scoring in the first half.  Several players were knocked out cold and carried from the pitch whilst 2 more were Badly Hurt and played no further part in the game.  Will McScore paid for his impudence in the first half when he was knocked to the ground before being surrounded by Orcs and fouled off of the pitch.  The referee, knowing he had a family feed and that they would struggle should any harm come to him, wisely made sure he was looking in the opposite direction when the foul was thrown.  As the half came to a close the Elves desperate defence faltered when a clearly exhausted Speedy Tyrion pushed hiself to far in an effort to get back and fell flat on his face.  The Orcs knocked down an Elf Lineman which cleared the way for Borgor Ghoul-Chewer to finally run the ball over the line for the equalising score.

It had been a tough game, hard fought by both sides and a draw was considered by many to be a fair result.  The Gouged Eye move on and with Match winnings from this game allowing them to purchase a Troll to add weight to the Front Line, they're eagerly awaiting the next game in the season.

**For those that like actual numbers, this whole sequence of events in the game went:

2+ Dodge
2+ GFI
2+ GFI
2+ Dodge
2+ GFI
3+ Leap
6+ Pick up
6+ Throw
2+ Catch (he actually rolled a third successive 6, just to rub it in)

and all without a team reroll.  Apparently, 0.62% chance of success.  It was a sight to behold and had I not been playing against it I would have cheered for it was beautiful.

Bloodthirsters 0 - 2 Gouged Eye

3rd game in the Cakebowl League, Battenburg league is in the record books and the Gouged Eye record their first win.

Still bearing the scars that followed the lashing they were given following last weeks performance, the Eye ran out into the gloom of the Bloodthirsters permanently darkened stadium with a look of steely determination on their faces.  Worried that the team might take a few injuries this game - and equally worried that another loss might see the Whip permanently injure a couple himself - the management had invested in an Apothecary for the team.  Barred from all normal medical practice, 'Mad Doc' Hacker took up his position in the dugout and prepared his saws.  A couple of the Orc players looked over at him and visibly shuddered.

The Orcs won the toss and chose to kick to the Vampires who quickly recovered the ball and set about dodging with abandon in an attempt to get away from the Orcs.  Confused and desperate to hit something, the Orc front line chased the Thralls all over the pitch and, where they could, punched them to the ground.  With only two Vampires on the field the Bloodthirsters struggled to match the Orc strength and it wasn't long before the Orcs had the ball and an accurate pass from Osgar 'Uh-Oh' Snotchucker saw a Blitzer sprint down the line and into an open back-field.  The Thralls, however, rallied and managed to sack him.  A crunching tackle took the Blitzer down and saw him laying on the ground, writhing in agony and clutching his leg.  The Whip, sensing that the player could have a career threatening injury, gestured to 'Mad Doc' and sent the apothecary onto the pitch.  Seeing the blood stained Orc, with a gleam in his eye, a smile on his face, and a rusty bone-saw in hand, Rurk Rock-Breaker hastily stumbled back to his feet.  "It'z OK!", he bellowed, "I'll be fine, just let me rest me up a while, I can work it off and be back for the 2nd half".  He limped off to the reserve bench with a visibly disgruntled Doc trailing behind.  It wasn't long before once again the Vampires had worked the ball into the Orcs half of the pitch.  A desperate blitz from the Orcs and with time ticking down the ball was on the floor.

Up until this point in the game the Vampires had been extremely well behaved and managed to avoid almost every pang of Blood Lust.  Only the one incident had occurred which, although it badly hurt the Thrall chosen as a snack, had not caused a turnover.  So it was with confidence that the Vampire Coach urged his blood suckers to get into scoring position.  The first ran into the Orc End zone, turned and held his arm high, signalling to his fellow Vampire that he was free of coverage and available to receive the ball.  The second Vampire looked up, saw him and made to move towards the ball but just as he did so he caught a whiff of something in the air.  One of the Thralls who had been knocked down earlier in the Orc drive was lying in a crumpled heap on the pitch, blood streaming from his nose and as he tried to raise himself to his feet he coughed, spraying blood droplets into the air.  The acrid tang of iron tickled the Vampires nostrils and triggered a deep hunger that he had fought to suppress all game.  Unable to control himself any more he turned from the ball, ran back up the field and sated his desire for blood on the poor, unfortunate Thrall who lay there.

Taking advantage of this rather unexpected turn of events, the Orcs grabbed the ball, sprinted up the pitch and another pass from Snotchucker saw a Lineman run off towards the Vampire Endzone.  There was still time for one, last, desperate play by the Vampires and a plucky Thrall threw himself at the Orc.  In the clash both players were knocked to the ground and the ball spilled on the floor.  Not to be denied, Vork Wormhole scooped the ball up and ran over the line, almost stumbling as he did so but catching his feet in time to score the opening touchdown.  The referee blew his whistle to end the half and both teams, utterly exhausted, trooped off for a short break.

They lined up for the second half and this time all three Vampires took to the pitch.  The Black Orcs lined up opposite them, with a few assists, and waited for the whistle to start the game.  The kick was good and the Thirsters fans were in good voice, giving the Vamps the confidence they needed to get through the match.  Slaugh Axe-Cutter wound up a big right hand but the Vampire in front of him somehow dodged the blow and looked like he was about to knock the big Black Orc off his feet in return.  Just in time, Slaugh turned his body to avoid the hit and struck the Vampire to the ground.  Following that initial scare the Orcs went an unstoppable hitting spree and scattered the bodies of Vampires and Thralls all over the pitch.  Bloody Mary II, heir to Bloody Mary who sadly died in the 'thirsters first game, was smashed into the grass with such force that she died almost instantly.  It's not sure if the team will persist with this unlucky naming policy but any player coming in called Mary should probably be very, very afraid.  A Vampire was fouled off the pitch and the Orcs stalled the game out to score right at the end for a 2-0 victory.

Vork Wormhole was the obvious star of the show with a touchdown and a dead Thrall to his name but this was overlooked and MVP went to Rurk Rock-Breaker for bravely coming back from what many thought was a serious injury to play the entire second half.  The Vampires were a little downbeat, this being their 3rd defeat in a row, but the season is still young and there's plenty of time for them to come back.

Gouged Eye 1 - 2 Bearded Bludgeoners

In preparation for the tournaments to come later in the year, I have entered the Eye into several online leagues as well as my local tabletop league to try and get some experience coaching an Orc team.  It's not going terribly well leading me to reconsider my team choice for the NAFC in May but I shall persevere and we'll see how it goes.  What follows is a report from my last TT game, a round 2 match against a Dwarf team.  I'll start by saying I made a big mistake by inducing Bomber Dribblesnot instead of taking a babe but it's not one I'll be making again....

The Orcs lumbered into this match still smarting from the fact that in their last game they hadn't managed to hurt a single rat. Sure, 3 of the dirty vermin had found their way into the apothecary's tent but that was because they had tripped over their own tails rather than any damage the Orcs had done. "Youze s'posed to punch there bleeding brains out!" bellowed The Whip, the offensive coach, cracking the long whip from which he had taken his name. "Nows, this game youze had best get some punches in or, for the love or Gork, I will throw sum of my own!". His one eye glittered evilly in the light and his voice rose even higher, "And, my pretty boyz, youze won't like that, you won't like that one.....little......bit!". Desperate to please and even more desperate to avoid a visit from the Whip, the Team sprinted onto the pitch and took up their positions.

As luck would have it, management had dug deep into their pockets and Bomber Dribblesnot, the renowned Goblin Star Player, had decided to run out with the Gouged Eye for this game. The crowd cheered loud as they saw the little chap jog out of the dugout with his bag of bombs and give them a cheery wave. The Orcs meanwhile eyed him suspiciously, no self respecting Orc wants a Goblin on his team, even one as renowned as this.  Two minutes later the Orc's suspicions were justified when, on his first action of the game, he fumbled a bomb throw and blew himself up! Luckily he's used to such things and instead of being carried off in bits he was merely stunned but it did mean that he spent the next turn lying on his back trying to work out who he was and what he was doing.

Everything was going well, the Dwarfs were being held up, their stunty little legs unable to cover enough ground to get them away from the green wall in front of them and their runner was soon trapped in the middle of the field. A reckless block by a Troll Slayer that saw him bounce off the Black Orc he had hit and stun himself as the back of his head connected with the pitch, meant that the Orcs were able to blitz the Runner and the ball was soon on the floor. At this point Dribblesnot finally regained his senses and with all the strength he could muster he climbed back onto his feet. Looking up he saw the Troll Slayer on the floor and the Goblin Red Mist descended upon him. Unable to help himself, the git within him drove him forwards and he jumped high into the air before bringing both hobnailed feet down onto the chest of the downed Dwarf. There was a mighty cracking of armour and a louder roar from the crowd. The joy soon turned to despair though as the eagle-eyed ref grabbed Dribblesnot by the scruff of his neck and ejected him from the game. To make it worse the Thick Skulled Dwarf overcame the knock-out blow to remain stunned on the pitch. It was the beginning of the end....

The Orcs were closing in and it was time for a desperate Dwarf play. Before they knew what was happening the Orcs found themsleves a man down as Slaugh Axe-Cutter was KOd and carried from the pitch. The sight of the big Black Orc being carried away and the Whip, apoplectic with rage on the sidelines didn't fill the Orcs with confidence and, having worked a gap, the Dwarfs ran away with the ball. The Orcs found themselves on the wrong side of the pitch and unable to get back and cover. A failed Blitz and another KOd Orc later the Dwarfs scored to make it 1-0.

The Orcs set up for one turn to punish the damn gold sniffers. They wanted to bring the pain and set about hammering the Dwarf front line but again, and not for the last time, the thick-skulled Dwarfs refused to leave the pitch. The whistle blew and the half was over. The Orcs turned and with a certain amount of reluctance trudged from the pitch. The Whip could be seen heading to the changing room with a face as black as thunder and no doubt a temper to match the most furious of storms.

The Eye took to the pitch for the second half with the Whip's words ringing in their ears - "I noze where youze all lives and if you don't start performing I'll pays your mums a little visit, now get out there you scum!" He was nothing if not motivational. The ball was kicked deep but, to the horror of every Orc on the pitch, the heavens opened up and it started pouring with rain. They began to drive down the pitch but then Osgar ran over to grab the ball and, slicked with rain, mud and a little blood, the ball slipped from his grasp. The Dwarf Runner, Tiny Twofoot, sprinted over and swiftly closed the gap. It was now time for a desperate play from the Orcs. Osgar, finally got the ball off the ground and ran as far as he could before cocking his arm like a gun and firing the ball down towards a waiting Blitzer. Again, his control was left wanting and the ball scattered through the air. The crowd held their breath but, to Osgar's relief, the ball landed in the Blitzers waiting hands. That was the end of the Orcs run of fortune though. A troll Slayer, surrounded by Orcs, took a chance and hit the blitzer with an uphill Block and pushed him to the sideline. Frenzy gripped the slayer and he hit the blitzer again. Again it was a push and Rurk Rock-Breaker found himself in the crowd before finding himself Badly Hurt and on the sidelines. The ever helpful crowd threw the ball back in and it landed just perfectly for the Dwarfs who sent a runner in to scoop it up and push himself to the very edge of the Orcs endzone. The Orcs managed to shove the Slayer into the crowd, giving him a taste of his own medicine, where he too was badly hurt and sent back to the dugout. The crowd was proving to be the most dangerous thing about the game. The Orc blitz then failed and Twofoot the Runner was able to get free before scoring the second touchdown for the Dwarfs.

2-0 down and the Orcs knew it was over but they had to impress the Whip, they had to, for the sake of their mothers and every Orc loves his mother. They dragged themselves back to the Line of Scrimmage and prepared themselves again. This time, the Orcs managed to punch a hole through the Dwarf line and Wartnob 'Da Wall' Badfang smashed into Sam Shortlegs and left him with legs even shorter. The Dwarf was carried from the field and it looks like his career may well be over. On a roll, Da Wall caused another casualty to the Dwarfs before Kruugash Neck-Snapper carried the ball over the line for the consolation Touchdown.

The whistle blew and the game was over. The Orcs lost but the Dwarfs, as well as they played, were lucky as had it not been for their thick skulls they would have been very short on numbers. The ball bouncing into the Dwarf section of the crowd also helped but, on reflection, the Orcs had little to complain about. They came out of the game intact and earned enough from this game to secure the services of their own apothecary. Two players pick up a new skill and it won't be long before the Troll is hired to bolster the front line.