BUBBA Bowl 2015 - Blood Bowl on a Farm

This weekend saw the Gouged Eye take to the field for their second tournament of the year - The BUBBA Bowl - and in a shocking turn of events their former star and coach, Varag Ghoul-Chewer, laced up his boots and took to the pitch once more to show the young pups how things get done.

The full roster for the weekend was:

4 x Black Orcs

4 Blitzers

3 Lineorcs

2 RR

and, of course, Varag

All of which weighed in at a whopping Team Value of 1.2million.  The tournament also granted every team 5 free Fan Factor and an extra player in the shape of a baby cow whose stat line was MA5 ST3 AG2 AV7 and she came with Loner, Disturbing Presence and Horns.  I'll say it now, I fielded her once in the entire tournament and that was when I was forced to bring her on as a sub due to a couple refusing to leave the KO box for the drive.  I felt that having Varag with Loner on the pitch was risk enough and she just didn't add to my team.  I think she worked well for some rosters but, for me, she wasn't really required.  Maybe I'm an old killjoy - everyone else seemed to have a lot of fun using her although Glowworm flatly refused my request to declare a "Mooo-ve" action when moving her  - but she stayed in the reserves for the almost the whole day

Skills wise, the Orcs were considered a Tier 1 team and I was only allowed to take 4 skills and none of them could be a double.  I ended up going with 2 Block Black Orcs, a Tackle Blitzer and a Guard Blitzer.  I was concerned that only having 4 skills would actually hurt the Orcs and not having access to doubles (or a thrower in my team build) I couldn't get Leader on anyone to give me the third RR.  In actual fact, I think they worked really well.  Yes, a third RR would have been nice and I only won FAME once in 4 games so didn't even pick up many 'free' RR from events but it was ok, I managed the 2 I had quite well.  The biggest problem, as always with the Orcs, is the fact they're very much a Jack-of-all-trades team with no real specialist skills that can allow you to change games.  This became most apparent in the last game of the day but more on that later.

So, on to the event itself.  It was held on the farm of one of the organisers.  Not an old farm or a disused farm but a proper, working farm and the shed where we were playing was only yards from the cow sheds.  The shed itself was cold and, as evening fell, lit by people's iPhones to supplement the few bare bulbs that were in there.  It was however, an absolutely cracking day and the venue just added to it.  There's always a real sense of camaraderie at Blood Bowl tournaments and it was more present than ever as coaches laughed and joked about the weather and we hunkered down into our layers of clothing to keep warm - all of us bar Loki who, as a Scot, found it all a bit warm and played in his shirt sleeves!! Hungdonkeyman, whose farm it was, had roped in his family to help and his wife was getting the urn going as I turned up so we had tea & coffee all day with a plentiful supply of biscuits.  At lunchtime she cooked a wonderful chilli-con-carne with rice and garlic bread for all 30 of us and it ranks up there as the best food I've had at a Blood Bowl tournament.  If it's held there again next year, I'll definitely be returning.

Game 1 - First game of the day was against a player I met last year via Twitter and who has become a good mate.  Hairy Pete, who also runs the Exebowl tournament, had brought down his Chaos team to play the day.  This team being classed as a Tier 2 team had access to 6 skills and the Clawed up Minotaur was a worry from the minute I saw it.  In what became a pattern for the day I lost the FAME roll, won the Kick Off roll and elected to receive.  In hindsight I should have probably kicked but I didn't.  Something to remember for the next time.  I worked the ball up the pitch and the both of us took turn to ineffectually swat at each other before I finally scored to make it 1-0.  Pete worked his drive well and it was 1-1 at the half.  I kicked off for the second half and promptly saw a Blitzer take a rock to the face, KOing him and leaving me with 10 on the field.  I hate, HATE, that event.  At one point I thought I had him and could take the ball away but it wasn't to be and Pete took the game 2-1.  It was a great game, lots of fun and very close.  I don't think Pete would mind me saying that it really could have gone either way.  One dice roll here or there a little different and who knows, the result could have been reversed.  It was nice to play Pete though and despite the loss, I really enjoyed the game.  Oh, as it turned out, the Mino had  rubber tips to his claws in our game and I came out of it unscathed.  In fact, for a game between Chaos and Orcs, the casualty count was a woeful 0.

Game 2 - Second game was against Enderman, the youngest player at the tournament.  He had travelled down with his dad, Sann0638, and quite honestly, his enthusiam for the game should be an example to us all.  His cries of joy as he caused casualties were often heard across the hall and he simply enjoyed playing the game regardless of what was happening.  If there was a "Most Sporting" award he would have got my vote.  I'm old and forgetful and declared a 1 dice block at one stage.  Before I rolled the dice he stopped me and pointed out an assist I missed thus giving me a less risky 2 dice block.  Fair play to him as it would have been easy to be quiet but he didn't and you have to respect him for pointing it out and his dad for passing on the ethos of playing fair.  He played Orcs as well and his basic roster was similar but he took Scrappa Sorehead as his Star Player and he had 3RR, an Apothecary and a Cheerleader.  He played really well but I got a couple of breaks early on, including killing one of his players and managed to take the game 2-0.  It was a lot closer than the score suggests and the fact that he went on to win his third game shows he was a more than capable player.

Game 3 - In the break between games, Glowworm collared me and asked what I was on.  "A win and a loss", I replied.  "Same as me", he said, "We could play next".  "I hope not" was my response.  Now, I love Glowworm, he's a great bloke, well known on the tournament circuit and I always enjoy my games with him.  Thing is, he's in my local league and I can play him whenever I want.  In fact, I played him the Tuesday before the tournament in a practice match for the tournament!  Of course, as game 3 was announced I had drawn Glow.  He had brought his Underworld team out to play with Glart Smashrip and Skitta Stab-Stab in tow.  To my relief, he had decided not to put Claw on his Troll as that had caused me no end of trouble in our practice game.  I was still perturbed to see Skitter again though or, as I like to call him, Skitta the c**t, because he is a real pain.  I tried as hard as I could to get him off the pitch but the bloody thing had mithril armour that refused to break.  Again though, this was a great game and I haven't laughed so much during a game as we did in this one.  We shared a few jokes with MadeofWelsh who was on the table next to us - he particularly like my "Mooo-ve" action joke  - and the game went by quite quickly.  It ended up a 1-1 draw, which I was happy with.  Highlight of the game was Varag picking the ball up and Glow moaning (he didn't mean it, we do it to each other whenever an action succeeds) about Varag getting the ball.  "Of course he's picked the ball up!", I shouted, "He's a fucking Star Player, he rolled a 6!  That's how we roll dice in the big leagues!"  Even Glow cracked a smile.

Game 4 - Going into the final game with a 1-1-1 record I was determined not to lose.  Don't get me wrong, I wanted to win but I was determined that this wouldn't end with a loss.  I was up against Frogboy, a player I hadn't played before but I had seen at other tournaments, and his Necro team.  It had been a long day and we were both feeling a little jaded.  Luckily Lunchmoney was next to us on the table and he was able to provide shortbread to keep us going.  This was the only game that I won FAME but, for the 4th game in a row I won the kick off and, for the 4th time in a row, I elected to receive.  I caused an early casualty to a zombie but he regened so would be back next drive.  I did manage to KO a few and with numbers reduced, Frogboy couldn't stop me scoring on my drive.  The biggest thing for me in the game was badly hurting one of Flesh Golems who then failed to regen. I stopped his drive and the ball was on the floor flanked by 2 Orcs.  He dodged a Werewolf free, stepped onto the ball, picked it up on a 5, dodged out on a 3+ and ran off to score.  I was gutted but fair play to him, if you don't make the play then you can't get the score.  I've done similar myself in a tournament and so can't complain.  On the next kick off I got the ball and had two chances to get the ball into the hands of a Blitzer who would have then scored.  1st time I failed the throw but the scatter saw it caught by another of my players so not the end of the world.  Second attempt, without RR, I failed the GFI to bring the range down to a 3+ throw and that was the game.

I finished my day on 1-2-1 in 19th position out of 30.  I had 4 great games against 4 great opponents and really enjoyed the whole day, you can't ask much more than that really.  The Orcs worked much better for me this time round and Varag was a beast.  Sadly, I don't know many tournaments where I'll be able to fit him in around a solid team, certainly not the NAFC, so he won't see any use for a while but it was fun while it lasted.  I don't have a tournament booked in for while now but hopefully I'll get some more in before the NAFC in Nottingham.  I'm up to 71 NAF ranked games now and would like to hit 100 before the year is out so I had better start looking at the calendar.

Daisy, You're a Little Star!

Another Blood Bowl game had reached it's climax and Jonas Humerus, Liche coach of the Undead Team,  Templehof Doom, could only watch as, with a thunderous shoulder charge, Balzak the Dark of the Chaos team crushed another skeleton to dust.  It was the last play of the game and Jonas waved the clean up crew onto the pitch as the hulking Chaos warriors trooped past him.  They were followed by the snorting hordes of the Beastmen and bringing up the rear was the huge form of Gygax, the Minotaur.  Jonas stared at him in awe; he had been a beautiful sight on the pitch and had personally dispatched several of the Undead team himself during the game and it was only because of a frantic arcane  ritual carried out on the sidelines that Jonas still had two Mummies available to play the following week.  Mummies were ok, thought Jonas, but if he could have a Minotaur, his own Minotaur....well, then I'd  win a few games.

In the throne room of his palace in the Chaos wastes, Tzeentch, God of change, turned from the scrying ball which he had used to illegally watch the latest Cabalvision cast of that weeks Blood Bowl game and beckoned to his servant.  "That Gygax is a wonderful sight, Felcher, a truly wonderous sight.  I wonder if there's a better Minotaur in any of the Chaos teams....".  He fell silent and Felcher offered his own thoughts.
"I think probably not, Lord, and he's a favourite with the Lord khorne.  I know he's anxious to see him soon and bestow his...gifts...".
Tzeentch stiffened at the very mention of Khorne's name.  "Typical!" he hissed, he always gets the best players! It's not fair Felcher! It's not fair!"  Tzeentch stood and stamped his foot on the paved floor, "I want that Mino for myself, Felcher.  That'll give me my own personal player and....", he paused, "....and it will really, really piss off Khorne...".  Felcher's shoulders dropped, he knew what was coimng next and was half turning to leave as Tzeentch shouted "Yes! get down there Felcher, find the Mino, give it a few things, you know what I like - some big pinchers always look good - tart him up a bit and then come back".  He started laughing, "Gods! I can't wait to see the look on Khorne's face"

There was a flash of light, a puff of smoke and Felcher found himself in a field adjacent to the Blood Bowl pitch.  He looked around but could see nobody about.  The only living things, in fact, were a few cows idly chewing the cud a few feet away from him.  He heard a sound and spun round just in time to catch the entire Chaos team, Gygax included, mount their transport and hurry off to whatever cursed place they currently called home.  "Bollocks!", muttered Felcher.  He knew he couldn't go back to Tzeentch with nothing.  Visions of hot, sharp, pointy things being inserted into soft, fleshy things filled his imagination and he shivered.  Lost in thought he hadn't noticed the smallest cow wander over to take a closer look at him.  He startled as it nuzzled his hand with it's big, wet nose and he stepped back into a feshly laid cow pat.  "Oh, brilliant!", he screamed, "Could this get any worse! you stupid bloody cow! you Stupid....little...cow....with tiny horns....and a bull like face...."  Very slowly a smile crept across Felcher's face as the germ of an idea took root in his brain.

Back in the Throne room, Tzeentch turned as Felcher entered.  "All done", he bellowed.
"Oh yes", replied Felcher, "You have you very own Minotaur to cheer on in the Blood Bowl games".
"Excellent", squaled Tzeentch, "that's great news.  How did Gygax accept my gift?  was he pleased?!
"Errr....", stammered Felcher, "Not quite, no.  You see, he wasn't there, he'd gone.  Knowing you would be very disappointed I did the next best thing and found a new beast fpr you.  I gave it everything it needed.  It'll be the best thing to run out on the pitch in aeons.  You'll love it!"
"You found another beast?", asked Tzeentch suspiciously, "Another Minotaur?"
"Not quite", said Felcher, "It was a coogghhhwww" he muuttered.
"A what?"
"A cow", said Felcher, wincing, "It was a cow"
"FELCHER!!!"

Jonas Humerus left the dressing rooms, dreams of his own Minotaur still filling his mind when a sudden noise startled him.  Looking up he saw a...a...well, he wasn't sure really.  It looked a bit like Little Daisy from the field next door but it was walking upright.  It's gait was unsteady, not just because it was unused to it's new bipedal existence but because it had been dressed in some ornate, pink, high heeled boots.  Where it's front legs should have been were 2 arms, bulging with muscles, that ended in blue claws.  These were supplemented by an additional pair of arms - you can never have to many arms is a common Chaos cry.  Her horns had grown huge and looked as sharp as spears.  He couldn't look at her too long as his eyes began to water and he began to feel a little nauseous.  The thing that was Daisy tottered over to Jonas and with a pained voice mooed "Bloood Boooowl".  Jonas looked up and smiled.  She might be small but she would do for now, yes, she would do for now.....

Little Daisy - special player at the one day BUBBA Bowl tournament on 27th February 2015:

MA5 ST3 AG2 AV7 - Loner, Disturbing Presence, Horns

Welsh Open 2015 - Recap

The Welsh Open is over for another year so while the memories are still fresh, while the pain is still etched on my face, before the scars have a chance to heal, it's time for a quick look at what happened.

Game 1 - First game was against a fellow Orca Cola (OCC) League member, Zulu, and his Norse.  It was a strong roster with a Mighty Blow/Block Yhetee at the middle of it.  I thought it would be ok if I could get a few armour breaks, whittle the numbers down and gain momentum as I built up a player advantage.  Turned out that the Norse AV7 was far, far better than my rubbish Orc AV9 and I was the one on the end of a beating.  Orcs were being removed from the pitch at an unhealthy rate and Zulu being a very good coach took advantage.  I lost this game 2-1

Game 2 - Hoping for an easier game but I was soon disappointed as I found out I was facing Chaos.  I've struggled with the orcs for a while and facing a team that matched me for strength, had a clawed up Minotaur and could ST4 Blitz from anywhere on the pitch was real challenge.  The coach, jaskirl, was fairly inexperienced at NAF tournament play, I think he'd played 9 games in total, but he played the Chaos well and I really struggled.  Again, I lost the CAS war and found myself down on numbers but managed to get the game to 1-1.  It came down to the final turn of the game, a Beastman was 1 square away from the endzone and flanked by Orcs.  He needed a 4+ dodge into the endzone to win the match 2-1.  He failed and it ended a draw.  I was very lucky to get the draw here.

Game 3 - The tournament wasn't going well and all I wanted to do was get an easy game out of the way and get home.  I found I had drawn SillySod and his Lizardmen for game 3 and had a little cry.  Once again I struggled to gain an advantage.  I was outdone in Strength and Speed as well as facing a rather nasty Stand Firm/Diving Tackle Kroxigor.  I think I held it to 0-0 at the half but conceded in the 2nd half with a few turns to go.  I gathered the ball from the kick-off, got it to a Blitzer and made a break down the wing.  I thought I had got far enough away but had miscounted and was soon marked by the f***king Kroxigor and a skink.  In my last turn I cleared the skink away and then said a little prayer to Nuffle.  In total I needed a perfect 6 to get away - I needed a 3+ to dodge and with Prehensile Tail and Diving Tackle modifying the dice roll by a total of -3, I had to roll the 6.  Nothing else would do.  I shook the dice cup, slammed it down and......rolled a 5.  Damn you Nuffle!  Damn you to Hell!  I swear that somewhere in the room I heard a high pitched giggle.  I used my last reroll, reloaded the dice cup and shook it again, slammed it down and.......a 6! A glorious, beautiful, 6!  Nuffle! You Beauty.  I let out a loud Boom! and fired off the finger pistols before blowing the smoke away and holstering them on my hip.  That's how we roll dice in the big league and I got away with my second draw of the weekend.

Game 4 - Nuffles beneficence knows no bounds and after the glory of game 3 I faced Goblins in Game 4.  Dreamscreator was a lovely bloke, a pleasure to play against and his Goblin roster looked very good.  Having played Goblins myself a few times I know how destructive they can be.  I also know how quickly they can fall apart and for once the Orcs were on song.  They tore their way through the stunty ranks, dispatching Secret Weapons with aplomb and filling the injury room with fallen Goblins.  I finished the game by winning 3-0 and causing 4 casualties.  I was on the winning track.

Game 5 - Feeling elated I was brought back to earth with a bump by a very good Wood Elf team.  I played like an idiot and my opponent played very well indeed.  I caused a fair few caualties but it wasn't enough and with 1 turn to go I scored to grab a consolation TD in what I hoped was a 3-1 loss.  One turn and some Elf magic later I was 4-1 down.  Sums the game up really.

Game 6 - In my final game I faced another OCC coach, Doomy.  I've played him several times and never won.  Lost both times in fact.  So I wasn't feeling great and then he got his Skaven out and suddenly I felt a lot worse.  He had 5 Gutter Runners!  4 normal ones and Skitter Stab-Stab the Star Player.  Clearly the Gouged Eye felt they'd had enough of pussy-footing round and decided that this game would be the one to show what they had.  The game kicked off and they went to work.  The CAS box filled p quickly, Skitter was killed along with a Guard Blitzer and Osgar got his throwing arm going to spray the ball around.  The half ended 2-1.  Doomy equalised quickly in the 2nd Half and I then worked the ball down the field to the Skaven endznone but his Gutter Runners hit successful 1 dice blocks and the ball was on the ground.  3 turns on the trot I was unable to pick the ball up but before Doomy could snatch an improbable victory by grabbing the ball himself, the organisers called time and the game ended 2-2 with me causing 6 casualties.  A most unsatisfactory end to the tournament but there was nothing we could do (well, we could play quicker next time but I don't think ours was the only game called)

So, I finished on 1W - 3D - 2L.  Not great and for the second year running my only win was against Goblins.  I think it might have been a better record than last year but I'm not happy with it.  I need to go back to the drawing board and work on my game because clearly it isn't good enough.  There's a 1 day tournament at the end of February.  I'll have to think about taking the Orcs there and seeing how they go.

It's Showtime!

We are Orcs and dat's no lie
We'll make yoo scream an' make yoo cry
We'll pull yore hair an' pinch your thigh
An if dat doant work we'll gouge your eye!

Gissa 'G', gissa 'O', gissa 'W', gissa 'J', gissa 'E', gissa 'D', gissa 'E', 'Y', 'E'!!!

Head cheerleader, Sharog 'Melons' Man-Crusher gets the crowd going

The first tournament of the year for the Gouged Eye begins tomorrow at the Welsh Open in Newport.  6 games of Blood Bowl to crown one team the Princes of Wales for the next 12 months.  Competition will be close and brutal but at the end of it the Eye hope to be standing proud*.  

Come on the Eye!

*Disclaimer: It's unlikely that they'll win it or even come close but they'll let other teams know they've been there and, after all, that's all any Orc really wants.....

It's All About That Skill, No Hitting 1 - 1 Gouged Eye

Krank Elf-Splitter paced the floor of the dressing room, muttering to himself and occasionally punching his fist into the wall.  A number of holes and fractured plaster testament to the big Orcs anger.  "Sit yer self down, Krank!" bellowed Borgor Ghoul-Chewer, "Da bloody whip will want to charge us all for them 'oles your making!"  Ignoring his captain for a moment Krank threw another big punch at the wall sending a shower of plaster into the air.  "I'se bleeding 'ates Elves!", he shouted.  An Orc was rightfully proud of his name and Krank was no exception.  His Father, his Grandfather and his Great-Grandfather had all been Elf-Splitters.  It was a long and distinguished line of Elf-Splitters for whom the art of splitting Elves was something that had been honed over the years with each successive generation carrying on the tradition.  Facing High Elves in the 4th game of the season was something he had been looking forward to for weeks.  "I knowze ya do", replied Borgor, "now stop punching the f'ing wall and save something for the game, we'se gotz a job ta do!".  Borgor stood and, with the team following behind him, he stepped out of the dressing room and made for the pitch.

The first half was a violent affair.  Orcs, urged on by their fans, smashed the Elves wherever they could.  Elves were being stunned all over the pitch but the casualty box remained empty.  "Hit 'em 'arder!", screamed Krank above the din of the game, "Hit 'em until they stop moving!".  Hearing this, Kruugash  Neck-Snapper launched himself at the Elf Catcher, Speedy Tyrion, who had wandered a bit too close to the sidelines.  Kruugash caught him with a huge right hand, sending the Elf spinning off of the pitch and into the waiting embrace of the Gouged Eye fans.  With cheers and shouts the crowd set about the unfortunate Elf and when the dust settled down his lifeless body was lying broken on the ground.  The Apothecary for the Elves was soon on the scene and with judicious use of the magic sponge, the Elf stumbled to his feet and trooped off to the Reserve box.  he would play again!

The Elves were pushed further back and the pressure was showing.  Orcs were tackling Elves down whenever they tried to dodge away, another player was pushed into the crowd - mercifully into his own fans who simply helped him to his feet - and the ball was constantly being knocked loose.  With seconds ticking away in the first half the ball was on the ground surrounded by four Orcs and most of the Elves were also on the ground and marked by yet more Orcs.  The Elf catcher, Achilles, climbed up off the ground and dodged away from his marker before pushing himself to his limit to get into the Orc endzone.  He turned and saw Will McScore also drag himself to his feet and dodge away from the attention of the Orc covering him.  He ran as far as he could and then went to the very edge of his endurance as he leaped into the middle of the four Orcs covering the ball and, evading every hand trying to grab him, scooped the ball up and launched it down to Achilles in the end zone who made the catch look easy**.  The Orcs were visibly deflated as the jubilant Elves hugged and kissed each other in celebration of the score.  1-0 and the 1st half came to an end.

The second half saw the Orcs receive the ball and after a successful pass from Osgar, they caged up just inside the Elf half.  What followed was a sustained period of brutal Blood Bowl and the Elves came to regret angering the Orcs by scoring in the first half.  Several players were knocked out cold and carried from the pitch whilst 2 more were Badly Hurt and played no further part in the game.  Will McScore paid for his impudence in the first half when he was knocked to the ground before being surrounded by Orcs and fouled off of the pitch.  The referee, knowing he had a family feed and that they would struggle should any harm come to him, wisely made sure he was looking in the opposite direction when the foul was thrown.  As the half came to a close the Elves desperate defence faltered when a clearly exhausted Speedy Tyrion pushed hiself to far in an effort to get back and fell flat on his face.  The Orcs knocked down an Elf Lineman which cleared the way for Borgor Ghoul-Chewer to finally run the ball over the line for the equalising score.

It had been a tough game, hard fought by both sides and a draw was considered by many to be a fair result.  The Gouged Eye move on and with Match winnings from this game allowing them to purchase a Troll to add weight to the Front Line, they're eagerly awaiting the next game in the season.

**For those that like actual numbers, this whole sequence of events in the game went:

2+ Dodge
2+ GFI
2+ GFI
2+ Dodge
2+ GFI
3+ Leap
6+ Pick up
6+ Throw
2+ Catch (he actually rolled a third successive 6, just to rub it in)

and all without a team reroll.  Apparently, 0.62% chance of success.  It was a sight to behold and had I not been playing against it I would have cheered for it was beautiful.

Bloodthirsters 0 - 2 Gouged Eye

3rd game in the Cakebowl League, Battenburg league is in the record books and the Gouged Eye record their first win.

Still bearing the scars that followed the lashing they were given following last weeks performance, the Eye ran out into the gloom of the Bloodthirsters permanently darkened stadium with a look of steely determination on their faces.  Worried that the team might take a few injuries this game - and equally worried that another loss might see the Whip permanently injure a couple himself - the management had invested in an Apothecary for the team.  Barred from all normal medical practice, 'Mad Doc' Hacker took up his position in the dugout and prepared his saws.  A couple of the Orc players looked over at him and visibly shuddered.

The Orcs won the toss and chose to kick to the Vampires who quickly recovered the ball and set about dodging with abandon in an attempt to get away from the Orcs.  Confused and desperate to hit something, the Orc front line chased the Thralls all over the pitch and, where they could, punched them to the ground.  With only two Vampires on the field the Bloodthirsters struggled to match the Orc strength and it wasn't long before the Orcs had the ball and an accurate pass from Osgar 'Uh-Oh' Snotchucker saw a Blitzer sprint down the line and into an open back-field.  The Thralls, however, rallied and managed to sack him.  A crunching tackle took the Blitzer down and saw him laying on the ground, writhing in agony and clutching his leg.  The Whip, sensing that the player could have a career threatening injury, gestured to 'Mad Doc' and sent the apothecary onto the pitch.  Seeing the blood stained Orc, with a gleam in his eye, a smile on his face, and a rusty bone-saw in hand, Rurk Rock-Breaker hastily stumbled back to his feet.  "It'z OK!", he bellowed, "I'll be fine, just let me rest me up a while, I can work it off and be back for the 2nd half".  He limped off to the reserve bench with a visibly disgruntled Doc trailing behind.  It wasn't long before once again the Vampires had worked the ball into the Orcs half of the pitch.  A desperate blitz from the Orcs and with time ticking down the ball was on the floor.

Up until this point in the game the Vampires had been extremely well behaved and managed to avoid almost every pang of Blood Lust.  Only the one incident had occurred which, although it badly hurt the Thrall chosen as a snack, had not caused a turnover.  So it was with confidence that the Vampire Coach urged his blood suckers to get into scoring position.  The first ran into the Orc End zone, turned and held his arm high, signalling to his fellow Vampire that he was free of coverage and available to receive the ball.  The second Vampire looked up, saw him and made to move towards the ball but just as he did so he caught a whiff of something in the air.  One of the Thralls who had been knocked down earlier in the Orc drive was lying in a crumpled heap on the pitch, blood streaming from his nose and as he tried to raise himself to his feet he coughed, spraying blood droplets into the air.  The acrid tang of iron tickled the Vampires nostrils and triggered a deep hunger that he had fought to suppress all game.  Unable to control himself any more he turned from the ball, ran back up the field and sated his desire for blood on the poor, unfortunate Thrall who lay there.

Taking advantage of this rather unexpected turn of events, the Orcs grabbed the ball, sprinted up the pitch and another pass from Snotchucker saw a Lineman run off towards the Vampire Endzone.  There was still time for one, last, desperate play by the Vampires and a plucky Thrall threw himself at the Orc.  In the clash both players were knocked to the ground and the ball spilled on the floor.  Not to be denied, Vork Wormhole scooped the ball up and ran over the line, almost stumbling as he did so but catching his feet in time to score the opening touchdown.  The referee blew his whistle to end the half and both teams, utterly exhausted, trooped off for a short break.

They lined up for the second half and this time all three Vampires took to the pitch.  The Black Orcs lined up opposite them, with a few assists, and waited for the whistle to start the game.  The kick was good and the Thirsters fans were in good voice, giving the Vamps the confidence they needed to get through the match.  Slaugh Axe-Cutter wound up a big right hand but the Vampire in front of him somehow dodged the blow and looked like he was about to knock the big Black Orc off his feet in return.  Just in time, Slaugh turned his body to avoid the hit and struck the Vampire to the ground.  Following that initial scare the Orcs went an unstoppable hitting spree and scattered the bodies of Vampires and Thralls all over the pitch.  Bloody Mary II, heir to Bloody Mary who sadly died in the 'thirsters first game, was smashed into the grass with such force that she died almost instantly.  It's not sure if the team will persist with this unlucky naming policy but any player coming in called Mary should probably be very, very afraid.  A Vampire was fouled off the pitch and the Orcs stalled the game out to score right at the end for a 2-0 victory.

Vork Wormhole was the obvious star of the show with a touchdown and a dead Thrall to his name but this was overlooked and MVP went to Rurk Rock-Breaker for bravely coming back from what many thought was a serious injury to play the entire second half.  The Vampires were a little downbeat, this being their 3rd defeat in a row, but the season is still young and there's plenty of time for them to come back.

Gouged Eye 1 - 2 Bearded Bludgeoners

In preparation for the tournaments to come later in the year, I have entered the Eye into several online leagues as well as my local tabletop league to try and get some experience coaching an Orc team.  It's not going terribly well leading me to reconsider my team choice for the NAFC in May but I shall persevere and we'll see how it goes.  What follows is a report from my last TT game, a round 2 match against a Dwarf team.  I'll start by saying I made a big mistake by inducing Bomber Dribblesnot instead of taking a babe but it's not one I'll be making again....

The Orcs lumbered into this match still smarting from the fact that in their last game they hadn't managed to hurt a single rat. Sure, 3 of the dirty vermin had found their way into the apothecary's tent but that was because they had tripped over their own tails rather than any damage the Orcs had done. "Youze s'posed to punch there bleeding brains out!" bellowed The Whip, the offensive coach, cracking the long whip from which he had taken his name. "Nows, this game youze had best get some punches in or, for the love or Gork, I will throw sum of my own!". His one eye glittered evilly in the light and his voice rose even higher, "And, my pretty boyz, youze won't like that, you won't like that one.....little......bit!". Desperate to please and even more desperate to avoid a visit from the Whip, the Team sprinted onto the pitch and took up their positions.

As luck would have it, management had dug deep into their pockets and Bomber Dribblesnot, the renowned Goblin Star Player, had decided to run out with the Gouged Eye for this game. The crowd cheered loud as they saw the little chap jog out of the dugout with his bag of bombs and give them a cheery wave. The Orcs meanwhile eyed him suspiciously, no self respecting Orc wants a Goblin on his team, even one as renowned as this.  Two minutes later the Orc's suspicions were justified when, on his first action of the game, he fumbled a bomb throw and blew himself up! Luckily he's used to such things and instead of being carried off in bits he was merely stunned but it did mean that he spent the next turn lying on his back trying to work out who he was and what he was doing.

Everything was going well, the Dwarfs were being held up, their stunty little legs unable to cover enough ground to get them away from the green wall in front of them and their runner was soon trapped in the middle of the field. A reckless block by a Troll Slayer that saw him bounce off the Black Orc he had hit and stun himself as the back of his head connected with the pitch, meant that the Orcs were able to blitz the Runner and the ball was soon on the floor. At this point Dribblesnot finally regained his senses and with all the strength he could muster he climbed back onto his feet. Looking up he saw the Troll Slayer on the floor and the Goblin Red Mist descended upon him. Unable to help himself, the git within him drove him forwards and he jumped high into the air before bringing both hobnailed feet down onto the chest of the downed Dwarf. There was a mighty cracking of armour and a louder roar from the crowd. The joy soon turned to despair though as the eagle-eyed ref grabbed Dribblesnot by the scruff of his neck and ejected him from the game. To make it worse the Thick Skulled Dwarf overcame the knock-out blow to remain stunned on the pitch. It was the beginning of the end....

The Orcs were closing in and it was time for a desperate Dwarf play. Before they knew what was happening the Orcs found themsleves a man down as Slaugh Axe-Cutter was KOd and carried from the pitch. The sight of the big Black Orc being carried away and the Whip, apoplectic with rage on the sidelines didn't fill the Orcs with confidence and, having worked a gap, the Dwarfs ran away with the ball. The Orcs found themselves on the wrong side of the pitch and unable to get back and cover. A failed Blitz and another KOd Orc later the Dwarfs scored to make it 1-0.

The Orcs set up for one turn to punish the damn gold sniffers. They wanted to bring the pain and set about hammering the Dwarf front line but again, and not for the last time, the thick-skulled Dwarfs refused to leave the pitch. The whistle blew and the half was over. The Orcs turned and with a certain amount of reluctance trudged from the pitch. The Whip could be seen heading to the changing room with a face as black as thunder and no doubt a temper to match the most furious of storms.

The Eye took to the pitch for the second half with the Whip's words ringing in their ears - "I noze where youze all lives and if you don't start performing I'll pays your mums a little visit, now get out there you scum!" He was nothing if not motivational. The ball was kicked deep but, to the horror of every Orc on the pitch, the heavens opened up and it started pouring with rain. They began to drive down the pitch but then Osgar ran over to grab the ball and, slicked with rain, mud and a little blood, the ball slipped from his grasp. The Dwarf Runner, Tiny Twofoot, sprinted over and swiftly closed the gap. It was now time for a desperate play from the Orcs. Osgar, finally got the ball off the ground and ran as far as he could before cocking his arm like a gun and firing the ball down towards a waiting Blitzer. Again, his control was left wanting and the ball scattered through the air. The crowd held their breath but, to Osgar's relief, the ball landed in the Blitzers waiting hands. That was the end of the Orcs run of fortune though. A troll Slayer, surrounded by Orcs, took a chance and hit the blitzer with an uphill Block and pushed him to the sideline. Frenzy gripped the slayer and he hit the blitzer again. Again it was a push and Rurk Rock-Breaker found himself in the crowd before finding himself Badly Hurt and on the sidelines. The ever helpful crowd threw the ball back in and it landed just perfectly for the Dwarfs who sent a runner in to scoop it up and push himself to the very edge of the Orcs endzone. The Orcs managed to shove the Slayer into the crowd, giving him a taste of his own medicine, where he too was badly hurt and sent back to the dugout. The crowd was proving to be the most dangerous thing about the game. The Orc blitz then failed and Twofoot the Runner was able to get free before scoring the second touchdown for the Dwarfs.

2-0 down and the Orcs knew it was over but they had to impress the Whip, they had to, for the sake of their mothers and every Orc loves his mother. They dragged themselves back to the Line of Scrimmage and prepared themselves again. This time, the Orcs managed to punch a hole through the Dwarf line and Wartnob 'Da Wall' Badfang smashed into Sam Shortlegs and left him with legs even shorter. The Dwarf was carried from the field and it looks like his career may well be over. On a roll, Da Wall caused another casualty to the Dwarfs before Kruugash Neck-Snapper carried the ball over the line for the consolation Touchdown.

The whistle blew and the game was over. The Orcs lost but the Dwarfs, as well as they played, were lucky as had it not been for their thick skulls they would have been very short on numbers. The ball bouncing into the Dwarf section of the crowd also helped but, on reflection, the Orcs had little to complain about. They came out of the game intact and earned enough from this game to secure the services of their own apothecary. Two players pick up a new skill and it won't be long before the Troll is hired to bolster the front line.