Sunday 22 February 2015

Daisy, You're a Little Star!

Another Blood Bowl game had reached it's climax and Jonas Humerus, Liche coach of the Undead Team,  Templehof Doom, could only watch as, with a thunderous shoulder charge, Balzak the Dark of the Chaos team crushed another skeleton to dust.  It was the last play of the game and Jonas waved the clean up crew onto the pitch as the hulking Chaos warriors trooped past him.  They were followed by the snorting hordes of the Beastmen and bringing up the rear was the huge form of Gygax, the Minotaur.  Jonas stared at him in awe; he had been a beautiful sight on the pitch and had personally dispatched several of the Undead team himself during the game and it was only because of a frantic arcane  ritual carried out on the sidelines that Jonas still had two Mummies available to play the following week.  Mummies were ok, thought Jonas, but if he could have a Minotaur, his own Minotaur....well, then I'd  win a few games.

In the throne room of his palace in the Chaos wastes, Tzeentch, God of change, turned from the scrying ball which he had used to illegally watch the latest Cabalvision cast of that weeks Blood Bowl game and beckoned to his servant.  "That Gygax is a wonderful sight, Felcher, a truly wonderous sight.  I wonder if there's a better Minotaur in any of the Chaos teams....".  He fell silent and Felcher offered his own thoughts.
"I think probably not, Lord, and he's a favourite with the Lord khorne.  I know he's anxious to see him soon and bestow his...gifts...".
Tzeentch stiffened at the very mention of Khorne's name.  "Typical!" he hissed, he always gets the best players! It's not fair Felcher! It's not fair!"  Tzeentch stood and stamped his foot on the paved floor, "I want that Mino for myself, Felcher.  That'll give me my own personal player and....", he paused, "....and it will really, really piss off Khorne...".  Felcher's shoulders dropped, he knew what was coimng next and was half turning to leave as Tzeentch shouted "Yes! get down there Felcher, find the Mino, give it a few things, you know what I like - some big pinchers always look good - tart him up a bit and then come back".  He started laughing, "Gods! I can't wait to see the look on Khorne's face"

There was a flash of light, a puff of smoke and Felcher found himself in a field adjacent to the Blood Bowl pitch.  He looked around but could see nobody about.  The only living things, in fact, were a few cows idly chewing the cud a few feet away from him.  He heard a sound and spun round just in time to catch the entire Chaos team, Gygax included, mount their transport and hurry off to whatever cursed place they currently called home.  "Bollocks!", muttered Felcher.  He knew he couldn't go back to Tzeentch with nothing.  Visions of hot, sharp, pointy things being inserted into soft, fleshy things filled his imagination and he shivered.  Lost in thought he hadn't noticed the smallest cow wander over to take a closer look at him.  He startled as it nuzzled his hand with it's big, wet nose and he stepped back into a feshly laid cow pat.  "Oh, brilliant!", he screamed, "Could this get any worse! you stupid bloody cow! you Stupid....little...cow....with tiny horns....and a bull like face...."  Very slowly a smile crept across Felcher's face as the germ of an idea took root in his brain.

Back in the Throne room, Tzeentch turned as Felcher entered.  "All done", he bellowed.
"Oh yes", replied Felcher, "You have you very own Minotaur to cheer on in the Blood Bowl games".
"Excellent", squaled Tzeentch, "that's great news.  How did Gygax accept my gift?  was he pleased?!
"Errr....", stammered Felcher, "Not quite, no.  You see, he wasn't there, he'd gone.  Knowing you would be very disappointed I did the next best thing and found a new beast fpr you.  I gave it everything it needed.  It'll be the best thing to run out on the pitch in aeons.  You'll love it!"
"You found another beast?", asked Tzeentch suspiciously, "Another Minotaur?"
"Not quite", said Felcher, "It was a coogghhhwww" he muuttered.
"A what?"
"A cow", said Felcher, wincing, "It was a cow"
"FELCHER!!!"

Jonas Humerus left the dressing rooms, dreams of his own Minotaur still filling his mind when a sudden noise startled him.  Looking up he saw a...a...well, he wasn't sure really.  It looked a bit like Little Daisy from the field next door but it was walking upright.  It's gait was unsteady, not just because it was unused to it's new bipedal existence but because it had been dressed in some ornate, pink, high heeled boots.  Where it's front legs should have been were 2 arms, bulging with muscles, that ended in blue claws.  These were supplemented by an additional pair of arms - you can never have to many arms is a common Chaos cry.  Her horns had grown huge and looked as sharp as spears.  He couldn't look at her too long as his eyes began to water and he began to feel a little nauseous.  The thing that was Daisy tottered over to Jonas and with a pained voice mooed "Bloood Boooowl".  Jonas looked up and smiled.  She might be small but she would do for now, yes, she would do for now.....

Little Daisy - special player at the one day BUBBA Bowl tournament on 27th February 2015:

MA5 ST3 AG2 AV7 - Loner, Disturbing Presence, Horns


Sunday 1 February 2015

Welsh Open 2015 - Recap

The Welsh Open is over for another year so while the memories are still fresh, while the pain is still etched on my face, before the scars have a chance to heal, it's time for a quick look at what happened.

Game 1 - First game was against a fellow Orca Cola (OCC) League member, Zulu, and his Norse.  It was a strong roster with a Mighty Blow/Block Yhetee at the middle of it.  I thought it would be ok if I could get a few armour breaks, whittle the numbers down and gain momentum as I built up a player advantage.  Turned out that the Norse AV7 was far, far better than my rubbish Orc AV9 and I was the one on the end of a beating.  Orcs were being removed from the pitch at an unhealthy rate and Zulu being a very good coach took advantage.  I lost this game 2-1

Game 2 - Hoping for an easier game but I was soon disappointed as I found out I was facing Chaos.  I've struggled with the orcs for a while and facing a team that matched me for strength, had a clawed up Minotaur and could ST4 Blitz from anywhere on the pitch was real challenge.  The coach, jaskirl, was fairly inexperienced at NAF tournament play, I think he'd played 9 games in total, but he played the Chaos well and I really struggled.  Again, I lost the CAS war and found myself down on numbers but managed to get the game to 1-1.  It came down to the final turn of the game, a Beastman was 1 square away from the endzone and flanked by Orcs.  He needed a 4+ dodge into the endzone to win the match 2-1.  He failed and it ended a draw.  I was very lucky to get the draw here.

Game 3 - The tournament wasn't going well and all I wanted to do was get an easy game out of the way and get home.  I found I had drawn SillySod and his Lizardmen for game 3 and had a little cry.  Once again I struggled to gain an advantage.  I was outdone in Strength and Speed as well as facing a rather nasty Stand Firm/Diving Tackle Kroxigor.  I think I held it to 0-0 at the half but conceded in the 2nd half with a few turns to go.  I gathered the ball from the kick-off, got it to a Blitzer and made a break down the wing.  I thought I had got far enough away but had miscounted and was soon marked by the f***king Kroxigor and a skink.  In my last turn I cleared the skink away and then said a little prayer to Nuffle.  In total I needed a perfect 6 to get away - I needed a 3+ to dodge and with Prehensile Tail and Diving Tackle modifying the dice roll by a total of -3, I had to roll the 6.  Nothing else would do.  I shook the dice cup, slammed it down and......rolled a 5.  Damn you Nuffle!  Damn you to Hell!  I swear that somewhere in the room I heard a high pitched giggle.  I used my last reroll, reloaded the dice cup and shook it again, slammed it down and.......a 6! A glorious, beautiful, 6!  Nuffle! You Beauty.  I let out a loud Boom! and fired off the finger pistols before blowing the smoke away and holstering them on my hip.  That's how we roll dice in the big league and I got away with my second draw of the weekend.

Game 4 - Nuffles beneficence knows no bounds and after the glory of game 3 I faced Goblins in Game 4.  Dreamscreator was a lovely bloke, a pleasure to play against and his Goblin roster looked very good.  Having played Goblins myself a few times I know how destructive they can be.  I also know how quickly they can fall apart and for once the Orcs were on song.  They tore their way through the stunty ranks, dispatching Secret Weapons with aplomb and filling the injury room with fallen Goblins.  I finished the game by winning 3-0 and causing 4 casualties.  I was on the winning track.

Game 5 - Feeling elated I was brought back to earth with a bump by a very good Wood Elf team.  I played like an idiot and my opponent played very well indeed.  I caused a fair few caualties but it wasn't enough and with 1 turn to go I scored to grab a consolation TD in what I hoped was a 3-1 loss.  One turn and some Elf magic later I was 4-1 down.  Sums the game up really.

Game 6 - In my final game I faced another OCC coach, Doomy.  I've played him several times and never won.  Lost both times in fact.  So I wasn't feeling great and then he got his Skaven out and suddenly I felt a lot worse.  He had 5 Gutter Runners!  4 normal ones and Skitter Stab-Stab the Star Player.  Clearly the Gouged Eye felt they'd had enough of pussy-footing round and decided that this game would be the one to show what they had.  The game kicked off and they went to work.  The CAS box filled p quickly, Skitter was killed along with a Guard Blitzer and Osgar got his throwing arm going to spray the ball around.  The half ended 2-1.  Doomy equalised quickly in the 2nd Half and I then worked the ball down the field to the Skaven endznone but his Gutter Runners hit successful 1 dice blocks and the ball was on the ground.  3 turns on the trot I was unable to pick the ball up but before Doomy could snatch an improbable victory by grabbing the ball himself, the organisers called time and the game ended 2-2 with me causing 6 casualties.  A most unsatisfactory end to the tournament but there was nothing we could do (well, we could play quicker next time but I don't think ours was the only game called)

So, I finished on 1W - 3D - 2L.  Not great and for the second year running my only win was against Goblins.  I think it might have been a better record than last year but I'm not happy with it.  I need to go back to the drawing board and work on my game because clearly it isn't good enough.  There's a 1 day tournament at the end of February.  I'll have to think about taking the Orcs there and seeing how they go.