It's Showtime!

We are Orcs and dat's no lie
We'll make yoo scream an' make yoo cry
We'll pull yore hair an' pinch your thigh
An if dat doant work we'll gouge your eye!

Gissa 'G', gissa 'O', gissa 'W', gissa 'J', gissa 'E', gissa 'D', gissa 'E', 'Y', 'E'!!!

Head cheerleader, Sharog 'Melons' Man-Crusher gets the crowd going

The first tournament of the year for the Gouged Eye begins tomorrow at the Welsh Open in Newport.  6 games of Blood Bowl to crown one team the Princes of Wales for the next 12 months.  Competition will be close and brutal but at the end of it the Eye hope to be standing proud*.  

Come on the Eye!

*Disclaimer: It's unlikely that they'll win it or even come close but they'll let other teams know they've been there and, after all, that's all any Orc really wants.....

It's All About That Skill, No Hitting 1 - 1 Gouged Eye

Krank Elf-Splitter paced the floor of the dressing room, muttering to himself and occasionally punching his fist into the wall.  A number of holes and fractured plaster testament to the big Orcs anger.  "Sit yer self down, Krank!" bellowed Borgor Ghoul-Chewer, "Da bloody whip will want to charge us all for them 'oles your making!"  Ignoring his captain for a moment Krank threw another big punch at the wall sending a shower of plaster into the air.  "I'se bleeding 'ates Elves!", he shouted.  An Orc was rightfully proud of his name and Krank was no exception.  His Father, his Grandfather and his Great-Grandfather had all been Elf-Splitters.  It was a long and distinguished line of Elf-Splitters for whom the art of splitting Elves was something that had been honed over the years with each successive generation carrying on the tradition.  Facing High Elves in the 4th game of the season was something he had been looking forward to for weeks.  "I knowze ya do", replied Borgor, "now stop punching the f'ing wall and save something for the game, we'se gotz a job ta do!".  Borgor stood and, with the team following behind him, he stepped out of the dressing room and made for the pitch.

The first half was a violent affair.  Orcs, urged on by their fans, smashed the Elves wherever they could.  Elves were being stunned all over the pitch but the casualty box remained empty.  "Hit 'em 'arder!", screamed Krank above the din of the game, "Hit 'em until they stop moving!".  Hearing this, Kruugash  Neck-Snapper launched himself at the Elf Catcher, Speedy Tyrion, who had wandered a bit too close to the sidelines.  Kruugash caught him with a huge right hand, sending the Elf spinning off of the pitch and into the waiting embrace of the Gouged Eye fans.  With cheers and shouts the crowd set about the unfortunate Elf and when the dust settled down his lifeless body was lying broken on the ground.  The Apothecary for the Elves was soon on the scene and with judicious use of the magic sponge, the Elf stumbled to his feet and trooped off to the Reserve box.  he would play again!

The Elves were pushed further back and the pressure was showing.  Orcs were tackling Elves down whenever they tried to dodge away, another player was pushed into the crowd - mercifully into his own fans who simply helped him to his feet - and the ball was constantly being knocked loose.  With seconds ticking away in the first half the ball was on the ground surrounded by four Orcs and most of the Elves were also on the ground and marked by yet more Orcs.  The Elf catcher, Achilles, climbed up off the ground and dodged away from his marker before pushing himself to his limit to get into the Orc endzone.  He turned and saw Will McScore also drag himself to his feet and dodge away from the attention of the Orc covering him.  He ran as far as he could and then went to the very edge of his endurance as he leaped into the middle of the four Orcs covering the ball and, evading every hand trying to grab him, scooped the ball up and launched it down to Achilles in the end zone who made the catch look easy**.  The Orcs were visibly deflated as the jubilant Elves hugged and kissed each other in celebration of the score.  1-0 and the 1st half came to an end.

The second half saw the Orcs receive the ball and after a successful pass from Osgar, they caged up just inside the Elf half.  What followed was a sustained period of brutal Blood Bowl and the Elves came to regret angering the Orcs by scoring in the first half.  Several players were knocked out cold and carried from the pitch whilst 2 more were Badly Hurt and played no further part in the game.  Will McScore paid for his impudence in the first half when he was knocked to the ground before being surrounded by Orcs and fouled off of the pitch.  The referee, knowing he had a family feed and that they would struggle should any harm come to him, wisely made sure he was looking in the opposite direction when the foul was thrown.  As the half came to a close the Elves desperate defence faltered when a clearly exhausted Speedy Tyrion pushed hiself to far in an effort to get back and fell flat on his face.  The Orcs knocked down an Elf Lineman which cleared the way for Borgor Ghoul-Chewer to finally run the ball over the line for the equalising score.

It had been a tough game, hard fought by both sides and a draw was considered by many to be a fair result.  The Gouged Eye move on and with Match winnings from this game allowing them to purchase a Troll to add weight to the Front Line, they're eagerly awaiting the next game in the season.

**For those that like actual numbers, this whole sequence of events in the game went:

2+ Dodge
2+ GFI
2+ GFI
2+ Dodge
2+ GFI
3+ Leap
6+ Pick up
6+ Throw
2+ Catch (he actually rolled a third successive 6, just to rub it in)

and all without a team reroll.  Apparently, 0.62% chance of success.  It was a sight to behold and had I not been playing against it I would have cheered for it was beautiful.

Bloodthirsters 0 - 2 Gouged Eye

3rd game in the Cakebowl League, Battenburg league is in the record books and the Gouged Eye record their first win.

Still bearing the scars that followed the lashing they were given following last weeks performance, the Eye ran out into the gloom of the Bloodthirsters permanently darkened stadium with a look of steely determination on their faces.  Worried that the team might take a few injuries this game - and equally worried that another loss might see the Whip permanently injure a couple himself - the management had invested in an Apothecary for the team.  Barred from all normal medical practice, 'Mad Doc' Hacker took up his position in the dugout and prepared his saws.  A couple of the Orc players looked over at him and visibly shuddered.

The Orcs won the toss and chose to kick to the Vampires who quickly recovered the ball and set about dodging with abandon in an attempt to get away from the Orcs.  Confused and desperate to hit something, the Orc front line chased the Thralls all over the pitch and, where they could, punched them to the ground.  With only two Vampires on the field the Bloodthirsters struggled to match the Orc strength and it wasn't long before the Orcs had the ball and an accurate pass from Osgar 'Uh-Oh' Snotchucker saw a Blitzer sprint down the line and into an open back-field.  The Thralls, however, rallied and managed to sack him.  A crunching tackle took the Blitzer down and saw him laying on the ground, writhing in agony and clutching his leg.  The Whip, sensing that the player could have a career threatening injury, gestured to 'Mad Doc' and sent the apothecary onto the pitch.  Seeing the blood stained Orc, with a gleam in his eye, a smile on his face, and a rusty bone-saw in hand, Rurk Rock-Breaker hastily stumbled back to his feet.  "It'z OK!", he bellowed, "I'll be fine, just let me rest me up a while, I can work it off and be back for the 2nd half".  He limped off to the reserve bench with a visibly disgruntled Doc trailing behind.  It wasn't long before once again the Vampires had worked the ball into the Orcs half of the pitch.  A desperate blitz from the Orcs and with time ticking down the ball was on the floor.

Up until this point in the game the Vampires had been extremely well behaved and managed to avoid almost every pang of Blood Lust.  Only the one incident had occurred which, although it badly hurt the Thrall chosen as a snack, had not caused a turnover.  So it was with confidence that the Vampire Coach urged his blood suckers to get into scoring position.  The first ran into the Orc End zone, turned and held his arm high, signalling to his fellow Vampire that he was free of coverage and available to receive the ball.  The second Vampire looked up, saw him and made to move towards the ball but just as he did so he caught a whiff of something in the air.  One of the Thralls who had been knocked down earlier in the Orc drive was lying in a crumpled heap on the pitch, blood streaming from his nose and as he tried to raise himself to his feet he coughed, spraying blood droplets into the air.  The acrid tang of iron tickled the Vampires nostrils and triggered a deep hunger that he had fought to suppress all game.  Unable to control himself any more he turned from the ball, ran back up the field and sated his desire for blood on the poor, unfortunate Thrall who lay there.

Taking advantage of this rather unexpected turn of events, the Orcs grabbed the ball, sprinted up the pitch and another pass from Snotchucker saw a Lineman run off towards the Vampire Endzone.  There was still time for one, last, desperate play by the Vampires and a plucky Thrall threw himself at the Orc.  In the clash both players were knocked to the ground and the ball spilled on the floor.  Not to be denied, Vork Wormhole scooped the ball up and ran over the line, almost stumbling as he did so but catching his feet in time to score the opening touchdown.  The referee blew his whistle to end the half and both teams, utterly exhausted, trooped off for a short break.

They lined up for the second half and this time all three Vampires took to the pitch.  The Black Orcs lined up opposite them, with a few assists, and waited for the whistle to start the game.  The kick was good and the Thirsters fans were in good voice, giving the Vamps the confidence they needed to get through the match.  Slaugh Axe-Cutter wound up a big right hand but the Vampire in front of him somehow dodged the blow and looked like he was about to knock the big Black Orc off his feet in return.  Just in time, Slaugh turned his body to avoid the hit and struck the Vampire to the ground.  Following that initial scare the Orcs went an unstoppable hitting spree and scattered the bodies of Vampires and Thralls all over the pitch.  Bloody Mary II, heir to Bloody Mary who sadly died in the 'thirsters first game, was smashed into the grass with such force that she died almost instantly.  It's not sure if the team will persist with this unlucky naming policy but any player coming in called Mary should probably be very, very afraid.  A Vampire was fouled off the pitch and the Orcs stalled the game out to score right at the end for a 2-0 victory.

Vork Wormhole was the obvious star of the show with a touchdown and a dead Thrall to his name but this was overlooked and MVP went to Rurk Rock-Breaker for bravely coming back from what many thought was a serious injury to play the entire second half.  The Vampires were a little downbeat, this being their 3rd defeat in a row, but the season is still young and there's plenty of time for them to come back.

Gouged Eye 1 - 2 Bearded Bludgeoners

In preparation for the tournaments to come later in the year, I have entered the Eye into several online leagues as well as my local tabletop league to try and get some experience coaching an Orc team.  It's not going terribly well leading me to reconsider my team choice for the NAFC in May but I shall persevere and we'll see how it goes.  What follows is a report from my last TT game, a round 2 match against a Dwarf team.  I'll start by saying I made a big mistake by inducing Bomber Dribblesnot instead of taking a babe but it's not one I'll be making again....

The Orcs lumbered into this match still smarting from the fact that in their last game they hadn't managed to hurt a single rat. Sure, 3 of the dirty vermin had found their way into the apothecary's tent but that was because they had tripped over their own tails rather than any damage the Orcs had done. "Youze s'posed to punch there bleeding brains out!" bellowed The Whip, the offensive coach, cracking the long whip from which he had taken his name. "Nows, this game youze had best get some punches in or, for the love or Gork, I will throw sum of my own!". His one eye glittered evilly in the light and his voice rose even higher, "And, my pretty boyz, youze won't like that, you won't like that one.....little......bit!". Desperate to please and even more desperate to avoid a visit from the Whip, the Team sprinted onto the pitch and took up their positions.

As luck would have it, management had dug deep into their pockets and Bomber Dribblesnot, the renowned Goblin Star Player, had decided to run out with the Gouged Eye for this game. The crowd cheered loud as they saw the little chap jog out of the dugout with his bag of bombs and give them a cheery wave. The Orcs meanwhile eyed him suspiciously, no self respecting Orc wants a Goblin on his team, even one as renowned as this.  Two minutes later the Orc's suspicions were justified when, on his first action of the game, he fumbled a bomb throw and blew himself up! Luckily he's used to such things and instead of being carried off in bits he was merely stunned but it did mean that he spent the next turn lying on his back trying to work out who he was and what he was doing.

Everything was going well, the Dwarfs were being held up, their stunty little legs unable to cover enough ground to get them away from the green wall in front of them and their runner was soon trapped in the middle of the field. A reckless block by a Troll Slayer that saw him bounce off the Black Orc he had hit and stun himself as the back of his head connected with the pitch, meant that the Orcs were able to blitz the Runner and the ball was soon on the floor. At this point Dribblesnot finally regained his senses and with all the strength he could muster he climbed back onto his feet. Looking up he saw the Troll Slayer on the floor and the Goblin Red Mist descended upon him. Unable to help himself, the git within him drove him forwards and he jumped high into the air before bringing both hobnailed feet down onto the chest of the downed Dwarf. There was a mighty cracking of armour and a louder roar from the crowd. The joy soon turned to despair though as the eagle-eyed ref grabbed Dribblesnot by the scruff of his neck and ejected him from the game. To make it worse the Thick Skulled Dwarf overcame the knock-out blow to remain stunned on the pitch. It was the beginning of the end....

The Orcs were closing in and it was time for a desperate Dwarf play. Before they knew what was happening the Orcs found themsleves a man down as Slaugh Axe-Cutter was KOd and carried from the pitch. The sight of the big Black Orc being carried away and the Whip, apoplectic with rage on the sidelines didn't fill the Orcs with confidence and, having worked a gap, the Dwarfs ran away with the ball. The Orcs found themselves on the wrong side of the pitch and unable to get back and cover. A failed Blitz and another KOd Orc later the Dwarfs scored to make it 1-0.

The Orcs set up for one turn to punish the damn gold sniffers. They wanted to bring the pain and set about hammering the Dwarf front line but again, and not for the last time, the thick-skulled Dwarfs refused to leave the pitch. The whistle blew and the half was over. The Orcs turned and with a certain amount of reluctance trudged from the pitch. The Whip could be seen heading to the changing room with a face as black as thunder and no doubt a temper to match the most furious of storms.

The Eye took to the pitch for the second half with the Whip's words ringing in their ears - "I noze where youze all lives and if you don't start performing I'll pays your mums a little visit, now get out there you scum!" He was nothing if not motivational. The ball was kicked deep but, to the horror of every Orc on the pitch, the heavens opened up and it started pouring with rain. They began to drive down the pitch but then Osgar ran over to grab the ball and, slicked with rain, mud and a little blood, the ball slipped from his grasp. The Dwarf Runner, Tiny Twofoot, sprinted over and swiftly closed the gap. It was now time for a desperate play from the Orcs. Osgar, finally got the ball off the ground and ran as far as he could before cocking his arm like a gun and firing the ball down towards a waiting Blitzer. Again, his control was left wanting and the ball scattered through the air. The crowd held their breath but, to Osgar's relief, the ball landed in the Blitzers waiting hands. That was the end of the Orcs run of fortune though. A troll Slayer, surrounded by Orcs, took a chance and hit the blitzer with an uphill Block and pushed him to the sideline. Frenzy gripped the slayer and he hit the blitzer again. Again it was a push and Rurk Rock-Breaker found himself in the crowd before finding himself Badly Hurt and on the sidelines. The ever helpful crowd threw the ball back in and it landed just perfectly for the Dwarfs who sent a runner in to scoop it up and push himself to the very edge of the Orcs endzone. The Orcs managed to shove the Slayer into the crowd, giving him a taste of his own medicine, where he too was badly hurt and sent back to the dugout. The crowd was proving to be the most dangerous thing about the game. The Orc blitz then failed and Twofoot the Runner was able to get free before scoring the second touchdown for the Dwarfs.

2-0 down and the Orcs knew it was over but they had to impress the Whip, they had to, for the sake of their mothers and every Orc loves his mother. They dragged themselves back to the Line of Scrimmage and prepared themselves again. This time, the Orcs managed to punch a hole through the Dwarf line and Wartnob 'Da Wall' Badfang smashed into Sam Shortlegs and left him with legs even shorter. The Dwarf was carried from the field and it looks like his career may well be over. On a roll, Da Wall caused another casualty to the Dwarfs before Kruugash Neck-Snapper carried the ball over the line for the consolation Touchdown.

The whistle blew and the game was over. The Orcs lost but the Dwarfs, as well as they played, were lucky as had it not been for their thick skulls they would have been very short on numbers. The ball bouncing into the Dwarf section of the crowd also helped but, on reflection, the Orcs had little to complain about. They came out of the game intact and earned enough from this game to secure the services of their own apothecary. Two players pick up a new skill and it won't be long before the Troll is hired to bolster the front line.