Thursday 15 January 2015

Gouged Eye 1 - 2 Bearded Bludgeoners

In preparation for the tournaments to come later in the year, I have entered the Eye into several online leagues as well as my local tabletop league to try and get some experience coaching an Orc team.  It's not going terribly well leading me to reconsider my team choice for the NAFC in May but I shall persevere and we'll see how it goes.  What follows is a report from my last TT game, a round 2 match against a Dwarf team.  I'll start by saying I made a big mistake by inducing Bomber Dribblesnot instead of taking a babe but it's not one I'll be making again....

The Orcs lumbered into this match still smarting from the fact that in their last game they hadn't managed to hurt a single rat. Sure, 3 of the dirty vermin had found their way into the apothecary's tent but that was because they had tripped over their own tails rather than any damage the Orcs had done. "Youze s'posed to punch there bleeding brains out!" bellowed The Whip, the offensive coach, cracking the long whip from which he had taken his name. "Nows, this game youze had best get some punches in or, for the love or Gork, I will throw sum of my own!". His one eye glittered evilly in the light and his voice rose even higher, "And, my pretty boyz, youze won't like that, you won't like that one.....little......bit!". Desperate to please and even more desperate to avoid a visit from the Whip, the Team sprinted onto the pitch and took up their positions.

As luck would have it, management had dug deep into their pockets and Bomber Dribblesnot, the renowned Goblin Star Player, had decided to run out with the Gouged Eye for this game. The crowd cheered loud as they saw the little chap jog out of the dugout with his bag of bombs and give them a cheery wave. The Orcs meanwhile eyed him suspiciously, no self respecting Orc wants a Goblin on his team, even one as renowned as this.  Two minutes later the Orc's suspicions were justified when, on his first action of the game, he fumbled a bomb throw and blew himself up! Luckily he's used to such things and instead of being carried off in bits he was merely stunned but it did mean that he spent the next turn lying on his back trying to work out who he was and what he was doing.

Everything was going well, the Dwarfs were being held up, their stunty little legs unable to cover enough ground to get them away from the green wall in front of them and their runner was soon trapped in the middle of the field. A reckless block by a Troll Slayer that saw him bounce off the Black Orc he had hit and stun himself as the back of his head connected with the pitch, meant that the Orcs were able to blitz the Runner and the ball was soon on the floor. At this point Dribblesnot finally regained his senses and with all the strength he could muster he climbed back onto his feet. Looking up he saw the Troll Slayer on the floor and the Goblin Red Mist descended upon him. Unable to help himself, the git within him drove him forwards and he jumped high into the air before bringing both hobnailed feet down onto the chest of the downed Dwarf. There was a mighty cracking of armour and a louder roar from the crowd. The joy soon turned to despair though as the eagle-eyed ref grabbed Dribblesnot by the scruff of his neck and ejected him from the game. To make it worse the Thick Skulled Dwarf overcame the knock-out blow to remain stunned on the pitch. It was the beginning of the end....

The Orcs were closing in and it was time for a desperate Dwarf play. Before they knew what was happening the Orcs found themsleves a man down as Slaugh Axe-Cutter was KOd and carried from the pitch. The sight of the big Black Orc being carried away and the Whip, apoplectic with rage on the sidelines didn't fill the Orcs with confidence and, having worked a gap, the Dwarfs ran away with the ball. The Orcs found themselves on the wrong side of the pitch and unable to get back and cover. A failed Blitz and another KOd Orc later the Dwarfs scored to make it 1-0.

The Orcs set up for one turn to punish the damn gold sniffers. They wanted to bring the pain and set about hammering the Dwarf front line but again, and not for the last time, the thick-skulled Dwarfs refused to leave the pitch. The whistle blew and the half was over. The Orcs turned and with a certain amount of reluctance trudged from the pitch. The Whip could be seen heading to the changing room with a face as black as thunder and no doubt a temper to match the most furious of storms.

The Eye took to the pitch for the second half with the Whip's words ringing in their ears - "I noze where youze all lives and if you don't start performing I'll pays your mums a little visit, now get out there you scum!" He was nothing if not motivational. The ball was kicked deep but, to the horror of every Orc on the pitch, the heavens opened up and it started pouring with rain. They began to drive down the pitch but then Osgar ran over to grab the ball and, slicked with rain, mud and a little blood, the ball slipped from his grasp. The Dwarf Runner, Tiny Twofoot, sprinted over and swiftly closed the gap. It was now time for a desperate play from the Orcs. Osgar, finally got the ball off the ground and ran as far as he could before cocking his arm like a gun and firing the ball down towards a waiting Blitzer. Again, his control was left wanting and the ball scattered through the air. The crowd held their breath but, to Osgar's relief, the ball landed in the Blitzers waiting hands. That was the end of the Orcs run of fortune though. A troll Slayer, surrounded by Orcs, took a chance and hit the blitzer with an uphill Block and pushed him to the sideline. Frenzy gripped the slayer and he hit the blitzer again. Again it was a push and Rurk Rock-Breaker found himself in the crowd before finding himself Badly Hurt and on the sidelines. The ever helpful crowd threw the ball back in and it landed just perfectly for the Dwarfs who sent a runner in to scoop it up and push himself to the very edge of the Orcs endzone. The Orcs managed to shove the Slayer into the crowd, giving him a taste of his own medicine, where he too was badly hurt and sent back to the dugout. The crowd was proving to be the most dangerous thing about the game. The Orc blitz then failed and Twofoot the Runner was able to get free before scoring the second touchdown for the Dwarfs.

2-0 down and the Orcs knew it was over but they had to impress the Whip, they had to, for the sake of their mothers and every Orc loves his mother. They dragged themselves back to the Line of Scrimmage and prepared themselves again. This time, the Orcs managed to punch a hole through the Dwarf line and Wartnob 'Da Wall' Badfang smashed into Sam Shortlegs and left him with legs even shorter. The Dwarf was carried from the field and it looks like his career may well be over. On a roll, Da Wall caused another casualty to the Dwarfs before Kruugash Neck-Snapper carried the ball over the line for the consolation Touchdown.

The whistle blew and the game was over. The Orcs lost but the Dwarfs, as well as they played, were lucky as had it not been for their thick skulls they would have been very short on numbers. The ball bouncing into the Dwarf section of the crowd also helped but, on reflection, the Orcs had little to complain about. They came out of the game intact and earned enough from this game to secure the services of their own apothecary. Two players pick up a new skill and it won't be long before the Troll is hired to bolster the front line.



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